You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2012.

…If Jane Austen was to write a novel about my family, I think it would start with something like, “IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman of the Blue Forest Princess’s family must be in want of a submissive husband.”

I love my family I really do, but the girls in my family, how should I say this…rule-the-roost? Wear-the-pants? The Bossy-Pants? The-Don’t-let-the-boys-in-our-family-have-much-of-a-say-ever-not-even-if-we-lived-in-a-post-apocalypse-and-were-dependent-on-men-for-survival-Pants? My extended and immediate family is basically a self-proclaimed matriarchy where women are loud and declarative and the boys are quiet and relatively submissive.

My cousin and her fiance are a clear example of this. But first let me describe my cousin’s personality…it is sort of  a mixture between the playful and bossy.  Hm..how else can I explain it? I think a quick example needs to be employed:

During college at some party in California, my cousin met Nick Carter and jokingly called him a D-Bag (I don’t know why she thought this would be funny, but anyways)…he got really mad said to her “You are disinvited to my party…but your friend can still come.”  To which she scoffed at and left with her friends in tow declaring none of them would want to go to his party after making a junior high statement like that.   (I know this story was kind of random, but it always amuses me.)

Anyhoo, my soon-to-be-cousin-in-law is a nice guy, you could classify him as the silent type.  He happily puts up with my cousin who mostly bosses him around and makes him do various things for her, like massage her and drive her places. This arrangement however seems to be working out well for the both of them, and it seems that he really doesn’t mind being her love slave.

This type of behavior can also be seen in my mom and dad’s relationship.  In fact, when she is especially grumpy sometimes she will come home from work and turn her nose up at whatever my dad has made for dinner (I should also mention, the boys cook in my family, not the girls.) She will throw her purse down on the table and declare, “What is this? I don’t want to eat this!” 

Also, quick story, the other day my mom told me via Skype that she came home and could smell kalbi (Korean BBQ) wafting through the house but when she went into the kitchen no one was there and no food was there.  Her response to this was to immediately get on the phone:

Dad: Hello?

Mom *eyes narrowing*: Where are you?

Dad: At Anthony’s (my cousin’s) watching the superbowl.

Mom: (silent pause.)  You better come home. And if you don’t bring the kalbi with you, don’t bother coming home.

My dad came home with kalbi less than an hour later.

My aunt, my mom’s middle sister, who is not married and does not have a man to boss around, manages to display these charming snippets of regality to other people instead.  I remember once we were at the movies and she called the Clerk at the snack counter a not very nice name for not putting butter on her popcorn when she asked him to.  Also, once when this same aunt had an allergic reaction to her cancer medicine, I found her butt naked sitting on my bed, refusing to put the clothes on that I gave her.  I asked her what was wrong she said that she was fine, but I felt her head and it was blazing hot with fever. So, I woke up my other aunt who told me to get her some clothes and she would drive her to the hospital.  I went into her room to get her underwear and a tshirt and pants, and came back into my room.  I handed her the underwear to put on, and she grabbed it from me then declared regally, “I don’t want THESE!” Flung it very dramatically across the room and proceeded to make me get her a different pair.  (At the hospital the next day, she told us she did not recollect doing this, however.)

Going through some historical documents regarding my family, I have discovered why the women in my family are so bossy.  Apparently, we are genetically predisposed to it.  Why is this?  Here’s a hint: my favorite color is purple.  I read a book once where the author said that people “who love the color purple have delusions of grandeur”.  Well, in my case it turns out that I am only semi-delusional.

I’ve only told a couple people this since its really not that big a deal since the Hawaiian Kingdom doesn’t exist anymore, but some of my mom’s women ancestors were in fact, Hawaiian royalty. My dad’s side, on the other hand, is filled with Hispanic/Puerto Ricans immigrants who crossed the Pacific to live on a remote island for unknown reasons… I can’t prove this, but I am pretty certain those ancestors quite possibly could have been criminals or thieves.

Although they were probably really hot criminals or thieves who could dance the salsa really well (the Spanish side of my family is really good looking and musically inclined, in fact, one of  my cousins was a legit beauty queen back in the day for the state of Washington), which basically makes me half royal and half hot thief.  I knew there was a reason for my desire to always wanting to be carried around by a litter and never wanting to personally clean anything in my house.  Although, I gotta admit that I have never wanted to STEAL anything from anyone, (thank GOD), despite my dream of being in Prison Break with Wentworth Miller….although I am not a bad salsa dancer if I do say so myself… 😉

Anyway, this whole nobility thing starts with this one adventurous Sea Captain British Ancestor Guy on my mom’s side who sailed to the Islands of Hawaii almost 200 years ago.  Apparently this British Ancestor Guy of mine was a major charmer, and was given two Hawaiian-Tahitian wives (who were sisters-major Eww-factor, I know..you don’t need to tell me…people did weird things back in the day).

(Interesting, side note, this ‘charming’ British ancestor of mine at some point, left his two Hawaiian-Tahitian wives and children and went back to England got married (AGAIN) to an English lady.  Fast forward to when his children were preteens living with their mom in Hawaii and suddenly Captain British Ancestor Guy shows up in Hawaii with his new English Bride and wants to take his hapa children back to London, ‘for a proper British education’, (he apparently like bossing people around as well) but this Hawaiian woman ancestor refused and the Captain British Ancestor Guy promptly returned to England.)

Anyway, only this one sister had children, she had two boys. One of these boys married into ali’i, that is Hawaiian Royalty, a woman to whom my real name is attributed.  Anyhow, this woman and her family lived at the Palace as retainers in court during the reign of King Kalakaua and was the last reigning Governess of Hawai’i before its annexation by the United States.   Her office was abolished in 1887.  While this reign is officially over, I think the women in my family still like to pretend that they still rule.  Although, since they can’t boss anyone around anymore now that the US has taken over, they have to be content bossing their romantic subjects around instead.

This concerns me, because despite the accusations of my friend Korean-Guy-Who-Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous, I do not think I am really a super-strong-intense-passionate-bossy woman…well at least not compared to my bossy female relative counterparts…Wait a second….

Oh.

My.

GAH.

I just had a revelation.

Maybe in actuality, I really am this bossy.

OH SCHNAPS! HOW could I never have seen this?!!  It’s genetic, inevitable!

It totally makes since as to why I am still single.  I mean think about it, all my girl relatives are married to Push-Over Guys who like Bossy Women.  And I am not attracted to Push-Over Guys. I tend to like boys are are manly and don’t wear skinny jeans and are somewhat boisterous.  But those kind of Non-Wearing Skinny Jeaned Manly Boys usually don’t go for Bossy Women. They usually go for girls who do not boss them around…they go for Sweet Heart Princess-Pantses.   Crap!…What I am gonna do?

Must.come.up.with.solution. QUICK!…*thinking thinking thinking*

Got it!

I have a Plan. I will trick one Non-Wearing Skinny Jeaned Manly Boy to fall in love with me…I am going to call it: The Capture.

Since I made a list of things I <3, I figured its only fair to balance it out with a good list of things that irk me to no end…there aren’t really many of them, but I thought I would just list them out anyway.

1. When People Leave Trash in My Car.  Okay, so I feel that this is so inconsiderate, even though I leave my own trash in my car, doesn’t mean that you get to leave your trash.  I think this is a really rude thing to do.  Let me be clear-I am a slob, just not a slob at other people’s houses or in other people’s cars. When I go over to someone’s house I don’t eat a burger and leave the wrappings on my friend’s floor.  (Also, I hate when people litter.  Littering is bad, don’t do it people!!!)

2. When a certain someone puts GUM on things in my room and then laughs about it because he thinks its funny.

3. When my School Tells me Last Minute that I Have to Work on Saturday or on Easter Sunday. (Even though my contract CLEARLY states that I am not supposed to work weekends.  This is a contract people, HELLO?  it’s the one YOU drew up and the one I signed, you are clearly not upholding your part of your contract, even though I am holding up mine…not cool…Also the Easter Sunday thing did happen and they made me take a vacation day for it.)  

4. When Boys are Condescending Because You are a Girl or Minority or Both.  I kind of think that this one goes together with boys being insecure about themselves or being intimidated by girls, esp. minority girls, when they appear smarter than said boys. I remember once I was at a party and, this guy who we will call, Nerdy-Flirty-Accountant was there and I think I used the word like “facetious” or something, which to be honest isn’t really that smart of a word and he goes, “Thats a BIG word.” Like I am an idiot or something.

UGH.

5. When People make Generalizations About my Culture and Belittle Hawaiian people.  So, I should probably mention that I am part Hawaiian, I don’t think I have disclosed this before, but in general there is a stereotype that Hawaiians are poor and stupid and lazy, which by the way is so NOT true, the Hawaiians were doing just fine before a bunch of corporate business men decided to lock the Queen in her bedroom and threatened ethnic cleansing unless they signed the Kingdom of Hawaii to become a part of the United States.  And now people in Hawaii now make fun of this culture, that was almost decimated by the common cold and other European diseases, for wanting their kingdom back and Sovereignty but “Hey, its all good! Because we brought it Tourism and American goods! What are you complaining people? American consumerism is totally a good reason to almost destroy an entire people group and is definitely a fair exchange so stop whining about how we almost got rid of your culture…ANYways…) I don’t feel the need to discuss finances, because that is tacky I think, but I will say that I am not stupid, my GPA of an A plus average from college should speak for itself, of course I was able to achieve this by God’s grace, but I hate when people generalize that Hawaiian people are stupid.  (Also, just to clarify, I know right now my grammar is horrible and I would never write a formal paper in such a manner.) And btws, Hawaiians had a society where everyone had food and was taken care of. We also invented surfing, and navigated by the stars making several trips in the Pacific Ocean with just a canoe and some paddles.  

6. ALSO When I Can’t Check All my Ethnic Backgrounds on those Surveys Asking About Your Ethnic Background. Because I am a person of Mixed Background I usually can never check the boxes I want because I am limited to one, I find this very inconsiderate of the People who Make the Boxes for the Survey.

6. When People (esp. Boys) make Inappropriate Jokes.  (…that think they are hilarious but really aren’t that funny.) I mean the “that’s what she said” joke…its old..and sometimes people use it when it doesn’t apply, like they don’t know what it means. It seriously is an overused joke.  Maybe what I dislike about it, is its lack of originality.  

7. When Boys Wear Super Skinny Jeans.  Who thought this was attractive? I mean, what happened to men? They are like women now.  They don’t ask girls out, and they prance around wearing jeans that are skinnier than mine and spend hours flat ironing their hair.

Recent conversation at a party:

Me: My hair is so fine.

Gorgeous-Russian-Metro: Yeah, mine too, and I think my flat-iron has made it more weak.

Me:….Wait, so you use a flat-iron?

Gorgeous-Russian-Metro: Of course.

Me: Oh…well you should use this product, you can put it in before you straighten your hair.

Gorgeous-Russian-Metro (reaching for pen and paper): What is it called and where can I buy it?

This my friend, is our generation of men.  And my parents wonder why I am single. I mean, come on boys, Be a MAN already, Roll Around in the Dirt, Grow a Beard, Eat Meat that is Barely Cooked with No Utensils already….Geez.

8. When People Talk Smack About my Jesus. I know that God can defend Himself and that He is not worried about people because He is Sovereign and Mighty, but it really hurts my heart when people use His name in a disrespectful way. And to be honest, I don’t really get annoyed as much as sad, and not sad for God as much as sad for the person who doesn’t know Him, because that must be a really bad place to be in.

9. Not Having a Boy Around. When I first moved to the Blue Forest, I came home one day and a bird had flown into my house.  It was stuck on the second floor and so I went upstairs to open a window. When I opened the window a giant spider the size of my face was on the outside wall.  I immediately closed the window and went downstairs and sat on the floor and cried and prayed for Jesus’s help.  God told me to open the sliding glass door and wait. After a minute later  after praying the bird flew down the stairs from the second floor and out the open door. While I appreciate and am so thankful for Jesus’s help, I felt this would have been so much easier and less stressful if there was a boy around. Like, if I was married I could have been, “Hey Man of Mine, get this bird out of my house, and while you are at it, open this jar for me.”  I have small hands and tiny wrists for my height, so I can never open things when I am at home.  I bought a bunch of pickles the other day and I was so excited to open them and eat them, so I gleefully bounded downstairs to my kitchen and when I tried to open it, I couldn’t get the top open.  I held the jar in my lap and twisted with both hands, but all I got was sore wrists and hurting hands.  So then I tried banging it against the counter and hitting the sides with a butter knife.  Nothing has worked, and I still haven’t been able to eat my pickles. I am thinking I may have to bring this jar to one of my guy friends to open later.

10. Bad poetry. (Although sometimes bad poetry can be really funny.)

btw Less-Than-Three= <3=rabu=heart=love!!!

1. Being warm (with a light cool breeze). 

I get this question over and over again from people since living here in Japan when I comment about how hot I am during the summer, “Aren’t you from Hawaii?” Ummm…yes, and we have these incredible things called trade winds and ocean breezes (not to mention air conditioning).  Hawaii is hot, but not that kind of desserty dead hot feeling that you get when you are in Arizona, or when you are stuck in a valley in the middle of nowhere where things like air con. (and insulation for the winter) are unheard of.

2. Club Soda or Ginger Ale.  Contrary to most people who tend to order these on flights only, I love to buy these and drink them on a regular basis, sick or not.  There is something soothing about the bubbly taste, that isn’t contaminated with heaps of sugar and chemicals (like Coke), that makes me feel nice and tingly in my heart…or stomach lining.

3. Laughing.  I love laughing so much, maybe a little too much.  I have been told by more than a few people that apparently I giggle in my sleep.  Which I find to be hilarious. I mean, I guess my dreams must be really funny or something.

4. My cat’s nose. I love my cat’s nose, it is pink and a little wet, and I love when he comes close and gives me a kiss…I just- kyah! >< It is such a nice feeling, my less-than-three does a flip-flop.

5. A Room with a View by EM. Forester.  This is my favorit-est book ever. (I mean besides the Bible of course.) I mean, literature just doesn’t sound like this anymore. MODERN day drivel EAT your less-than-three out, short excerpt:

He bowed. Certainly. Good men first, violets afterwards. They proceeded briskly through the undergrowth, which became thicker and thicker. They were nearing the edge of the promontory, and the view was stealing round them, but the brown network of the bushes shattered it into countless pieces. He was occupied in his cigar, and in holding back the pliant boughs. She was rejoicing in her escape from dullness. Not a step, not a twig, was unimportant to her.

“What is that?”

There was a voice in the wood, in the distance behind them. The voice of Mr. Eager? He shrugged his shoulders. An Italian’s ignorance is sometimes more remarkable than his knowledge. She could not make him understand that perhaps they had missed the clergymen. The view was forming at last; she could discern the river, the golden plain, other hills.

“Eccolo!” he exclaimed.

At the same moment the ground gave way, and with a cry she fell out of the wood. Light and beauty enveloped her. She had fallen on to a little open terrace, which was covered with violets from end to end.

“Courage!” cried her companion, now standing some six feet above. “Courage and love.”

She did not answer. From her feet the ground sloped sharply into view, and violets ran down in rivulets and streams and cataracts, irrigating the hillside with blue, eddying round the tree stems collecting into pools in the hollows, covering the grass with spots of azure foam. But never again were they in such profusion; this terrace was the well-head, the primal source whence beauty gushed out to water the earth.

Standing at its brink, like a swimmer who prepares, was the good man. But he was not the good man that she had expected, and he was alone.

George had turned at the sound of her arrival. For a moment he contemplated her, as one who had fallen out of heaven. He saw radiant joy in her face, he saw the flowers beat against her dress in blue waves. The bushes above them closed. He stepped quickly forward and kissed her.

Books now sound like this, “Oh my gosh, that vampire is totally hot. I am in love now…My heart is beating at his cold touch…”Let’s get married.”Okay.” 

Luh-Ame.

6. The Stars and Constellations. Okay, I know that people say they love the stars, but I really love them. I love them as in I will wake up in the middle of the morning and go into my yard barefoot just to look at the sky if it is clear or if I hear there will be shooting stars in the forecast.  I have even stopped on the road (safely) while driving before just because I wanted to look at them.  One of my favorite apps is Star Walk.  I even know a few constellations by heart and my favorite star is Sirius because its the brightest star.  Sometimes, I also think how cool the Sun is, its like our very own (Earth’s) star! One day I want to buy a huge telescope and spend my nights staring up above. 

7. Mints. I love mints of almost all kinds.  They are better than brushing your teeth (haha just kidding…sort of)…I also ❤ Peppermint Patties.  My mom recently sent me a bunch of chocolates for V-Day (yes, the only person to really give me a V-day gift) and she included these Peppermint Pattie shaped hearts which were the BOMB. So gooood…I ate like three in a row then felt kinda sick, but it was totally worth it.   

8. Good and Bad metaphors. (BTW, did you know the average human uses a metaphor/simile every 10-25 words ^^v)

9. Starbucks.  Okay, it totally cracks me up when people knock Starbucks, because the people who do tend to be non-educated coffee drinkers.  Tell me, oh critics of Starbucks, what is the proper way to drink coffee? What are all the steps? What are the different categories of coffee? What is the crema? Do you know how long a shot is good for before it is no longer compatible with steamed milk?  What makes a coffee taste like flowers or lemons?  What does “macchiato” mean, and did you know that Starbucks invented that drink (not a cafe Italy)? If you knew the answers to these questions, then I will hear your complaint out. But having lived in Seattle, the coffee capital of the world, and having worked at at *$ and another coffee company, I have found that Starbucks really does provide high quality coffee, which is why its so freaking expensive.  In fact, the company buys only the highest quality bean, arabica, and they also store their coffee properly.  They even use triple filtered water when making americanos and such. I am not saying the company practices good policies (such as charging 8 dollars for a cup of coffee while paying their laborers ten cents an hour or whatever) but they actually do have decent coffee, so I will always less-than-three Starbucks. Plus when I lived in London, and also living in Japan, there is something comforting about going into a Starbucks because it just feels like Seattle. Also when I worked there we cleaned the machines every night, something that did not happen enough at the other espresso stand that I worked at.  

10. The sound a typewriter makes and how it feels when I press the keys.  I used to work at a bank, and we sometimes had to write addresses on envelopes with this old school typewriter and I would always volunteer because it was so aesthetically pleasing to me.

11. The Acutal Story of the Little Mermaid. So I bet you knew there was a real little mermaid story before the disney version came out, AND you probably knew that it was a tragedy..but did you know it really wasn’t a tragedy? Yes, I realize this statement is contradictory, let me continue… In the book by HCA, near the end, the Prince starts digging another chick and marries her, after playing with the emotions of the LMermaid who gave up her everything to be with this guy.  Anyway, the LM’s sisters cut their hair and trade it to the seawitch in exchange for a dagger.  The LM gets the dagger from her sisters who tell her to go and shank her love and his new bride while they are sleeping in bed, if she does this, she can become a mermaid again and live.  The LM takes the dagger goes up to the room and takes the knife out and decides she can’t kill the Prince, because she loves him so much.  So, she runs out to the dock where the sun’s rays begin to hit her.  Contrary to turning into foam of the sea, as the witch had promised, she was looked upon with favor by the Invisible Powers that Be, and gets chosen to receive an immortal soul. 

I think this story is awesome because instead of pandering to unrealistic hopes of being loved by someone who clearly doesn’t love you as much as you love them, the main character is rewarded with something even more great, the chance to be a person of good character and the opportunity to live forever because of this.  (It is also a much better moral than rebelling against your dad at 16 years old and becoming a teenage bride after having spent three days with a person with no conversations whatsoever and going on one date. Don’t get me wrong though TLM is my fav. Disney movie.)

12. When you are driving or walking somewhere listening to your ipod and a song comes on randomly that speaks to you or is like describing your present emotions and situations, emo or not.  I love when this happens.

13. I love when people pray over me personally. EDIFICATION= awesomeness.

14. When I get fresh squeezed orange juice either because someone made it for me or I ordered it at a restaurant.

15. When there is enough steam on the car windows to draw funny pictures on and annoy my mother. (this by the way, is not as satisfying when my mom is not present)

16. When people buy me flowers.  Okay so this has only happened to me a few times, and usually happens on my bday, and it has always been done by girls like my mom or friends, BUT I love getting flowers from people, it is such a nice feeling.

17. When I am out dancing salsa and a good song comes on.

18. Doodling in any meeting, class, or at church (though listening of course at the same time).  

19. When a butterfly crosses my path.

20. When something unexpectedly funny happens. (like when we were on the ferry and Tall Twin told a joke and Wants-t0-be-a-Redhead laughed so hard ramen flew out of her mouth, which was actually kind of gross…but still awesomely hilarious.)

21. The feeling of leaving work.

22. When I am standing around in a group of people and people (esp. boys) are taller than me.

23. When I am standing at a venue looking at the stage and everyone is shorter than me.

24. When I get to see in person and hug and hold my family.

25.  When Japanese people speak English and it comes out cute and random simultaneously. (Like the phone call I got from Precious-Takko-Princess yesterday “Mosh mosh, haro! BlueForest-chan! I rabu you!!! Why don’t we go to sushi tonight?”)

26. When people give me books as presents. (my FAVORITE!)

This weekend was a little crazy, I went with a bunch of people who live in the Blue Forest to Sapporro, Hokkaido this weekend for the Snow Festival.   I think its too much to type what happened. I am just going to bulletpoint everything.

Day 1

-Carpooled with Asian Lt. Dan to ramen. Picked up The Tall Twins and Always-Singing-Guy.
-Everyone, 8 JETs and 2 Nihonjins, made it to the ferry right on time. 
-Got on ferry, ran into Ms. Young-Looking-Mom and Mini-Me.
-BlueForest-sensei heeded Mr. Shinsetsunahito’s advice, “Don’t be a JET. Get lots of sleep.” Mission Accomplished.

Day 2

-Woke up to beautiful Northern Japan sunrise. Watched it rise alone, outside on the deck while everyone else was asleep.
-Arrived in Hokkaido bushy-tailed and bleary eyed.
-Took the bus to Sapporo station, played Scrabble on the way, and described people’s attributes with poetry.
-Waited at the station for one more person, who didn’t show. Bought scarf. 
-Ate an amazing breakfast with everyone, pancakes and Japanese food, a strange but satisfying mixture.
-Checked into hotel, took a shower.
-Met everyone at the Clock Tower. Walked to view the Ice Sculptures! Favorites included: the Japanese Palace and Taj Mahal replica.
-Stopped at Starbucks with The Twins, and Wants-to-be-a-Redhead girl.
-Watch Tall Girl Twin put on her Alcohol Jacket (this basically consisted of her pouring alcohol into a starbucks cup).
-Go back outside to watch the rest of the festival. Toes became frozen, not a happy Princess. 😦 In fact I really want to cry I am so cold.
-Bought kairo, put in shoes…still cold, but slightly better.
-Went back to Hotel to rest with Wants-to-be-a-Redhead-Girl and Princess #2.
-Went to Sapporo Beer Garden Restaurant with everyone.
-Lost Boy showed up at the Garden, he had been in Hokkaido all day, but had been lost, but was able made it to the restaurant.
-Chaos ensued. I am pretty sure some things were broken, and random Japanese guy with one colored contact in his eye, kept coming up to our table trying to hit on the Tall Girl Twin.
-Knitting-Nihonjin girl asks me to be her boyfriend. I have to decline bc. I am homo janai (straight). Although I ask if she will knit me a hat.
-After dinner, Blue Forest Princess is now the only sober person.
-Manage to get everyone’s food paid. Knitting Nihonjin girl tries to pay for her meal twice.
-With Princess #2’s help I manage to get everyone into a Taxi, many people fall on their way there. Lost Boy doesn’t look so good.
-In the car, pass the other taxi, see Lost Boy puking.
-Everyone’s cabs arrive at the karaoke area. Knitting-Nihojin-Girl falls on the snow as she exits the taxi.
-Take Lost Boy and Knitting-Nihonjin-Girl in a taxi to their respective hotels with Precious-Takko-Town-Princess.
-Get Knitting-Nihonjin-Girl up to her room where Wants-to-be-a-Redhead and Korean-Princess are already waiting. Watch as Knitting Nihonjin Girl throws up on the door.
-Leave the room for a bit before Blue Forest sensei throws up.
-Leave the Hotel with Precious Takko-Town-Princess, Korean-Princess, and Lost Boy.
-Drop Lost Boy off.
-Look for Big Echo Karaoke. Find it, but don’t find our party.
-Find the other Big Echo Karaoke, which is across the street and has the same name.
-Go back to hotel Princess #2 is already sleeping.

Day 3

-Wake up at 5am, miraculously everyone makes it to the station, Lt. Dan, Precious-Takko-Princess, Korean-Princess and Lost Boy come racing up the stairs giri giri, just in time.
-On the train I start to feel a little queasy from all the traveling and not enough rest.
-Take an hour nap. Feel better.
-Back on Ferry time. Play Psychiatrist and Contact games with other queasy people. Korean-Princess almost throws up.
-Help Korean-Princess back to her room.
-Arrive in Aomori.
-Spend an hour looking for a sushi restaurant.  At dinner Knitting Nihonjin asks me to be her boyfriend again. I politely decline once more.  
-Lt. Dan drives us home. Get marriage proposal from Tall Twin in the car.  I am so tired. I don’t even feel like watching Wentworth on Prison Break when I get home.
-Pass Out.
-Wake up an feel queasy. 
-Feeling passes.
-Go back to sleep.

I have discovered why I am single. HOW is it that I have discovered this? Well let me tell you.

Because someone told me why over gchat. Well, that and a few other reasons which I already knew about. 

I actually think I already knew this the whole time deep down. But before I tell you why, let me preface this with a quick story.

Once when in college, I was in a lounge area talking with a group of random peeps and this girl who we will call Juicy-Couture-Sassy-Pants was going on and on about her boyfriend issues; and other people were jumping in talking about their own relationships. Feeling left out of the conversation, but wanting to join, I remarked that I had never had a boyfriend, to which she replied, “What is wrong with you?”

I don’t exactly remember how I responded to this, but I do remember feeling that wasn’t the nicest remark to tell someone.

Anyway, now I have an answer to that question.

Over the years, I am now in my late 20’s, and still have never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or anything actually. Yes, my friends, you are beholding a (dramatic pause)….a Unicorn!
Take a good look my friends, because we don’t often come around.  Now you might think in your mind, okay this Blue Forest Princess chick has to have like a horn growing out of her eye or something, or have an extra toe, or something equally horrendous. Here is a picture of me: you can decide whatever you want to about how I look, but if it is mean keep it to yourself. On good days. I also drew myself a Self-poortrait. (Also, I can’t be totally undesirable, in fact I have gotten two awkward Japanese guys to ask me out, one Japanese girl to ask to be my boyfriend twice, and a marriage proposal from a JET all in one weekend, I mean come on, seriously, that is talent, people.)

REASON #1: I am Scary…(apparently).
ANYWAYs, here is how I discovered my the first reason, it actually came from a chat (with edits of course) I had with my friend Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy.

 Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: fyi i love your stories of your dates 🙂

Me: Haha, they were pretty bad…All 1.5 of them. Boys are afraid of me.

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: yeah thats why i didnt ask you out before

Me: yeah, Glamourous-Vietnamese-Chick (mutual friend of ours) told me once that I was really intimidating.

*(Although once she punched a hole in the wall when we were at a Board Game Tournament because her team lost once, which I thought was actually scary for real-and even she has a boyfriend.)

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: I would say it’s because your personality is strong…which is a good thing

Me: hmmm…sometimes I say things that make people feel uncomfortable…so in what way is my personality strong?

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: i’m not sure if you want me to answer that. because my perspective is really different than others in Our Circle

Me: lay it on me its fine…I need to hear this constructive criticism so I can be self-aware

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: for me personally I like really strong women that can voice their opinion and let ppl know whats up

 Me: So basically you are saying that I freaked all those boys in Our Circle out (shocker…not) bc. of my out spokenness? well, I dont think I am going to change that part of myself…lol

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: yeah because like i said they are Our Circle guys and for the most part they all like the same type of girls…they all like Miss Sweetheart-Shiny-Hair-Princess-Pants or Miss Norwegian Princess girl

Me: hahaha…yes, I can totally see that…I am not the typical Our Circle girl…I have always marched to the tune of my own drum

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: which is good and that scares alot of the Our Circle guys because if the girl doesn’t fit into the Our Circle mold, they run.

End.

Anyhow, I found this conversation fascinating, at 5’6 and not a heavy girl, I have never really thought of myself as intimidating, but I can kind of see what he is saying about my personality. I am not exactly docile, but I don’t think I am  mean either. I don’t fight and I really dislike arguments of any kind. I mean I didn’t even react to that girl who asked what was wrong with me that I didn’t have a boyfriend.

But there are times when I will say how I think things are, and I guess that scares boys.  I blame my parents, my mom and dad are very upfront and overt with each other.

 Maybe I need do to tone myself down a bit in this area and be NICER.

My friend Puerto-Rican twin and I had a conversation on gchat when I told her what Korean-Guy said:

Puerto-Rican-Twin: That is harsh a bit.  How did you scare guys away?

me: its okay I asked him to tell me actually I think because I am not a docile woman I kind of say what is on my mind and I think some of the boys were intimidated I’m not like a “cutesy” Norewegian girl..I am also not Asian enough to attract boys with yellow fever

Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahaha Its funny that that is what they want in a woman

me: I guess so…which is why I am still single…in fact all my old crushes ended up with a cutesy Norwegian/European girl or a hot asian chick

Puerto-Rican-Twin: Well they are missing out. Who does not want to have a gf who completely doesnt realize she got a big hole in her pants under her butt cheek?
To be honest though, there are two (3) really good reasons for why I am momentarily Forever ARONE.

Reason# 2: The Wanderlust Issue

Is because of my penchant for the adventurous.  Okay, I totally have an ADDICTION.  I am addicted to traveling.  And not just traveling, but like living in other countries.  I wonder if they have TA (Travelers Anonymous)…because I think I may have to check myself to rehab…I want to go everywhere and see everything.  If they had a shuttle to MARS, I would totally go on it (btw, I looked this up and they actually do have shuttles to outer space, but you have to be like a bagillionaire so 😦 no go for Blue Forest Princess).  Living in Seattle, Honolulu, London, Japan, within the past 5 years has made me kind of unavailable.  However, I do not regret moving or traveling to any country I have ever been to at any time in my life. Totes worth it.

The REAL reason and Reason#3: Jesus.

Okay, so while I joke most of the time about being forever arone, I really do think the real reason I am single has to do with God’s sovereignty and the basically the fact that I am in love with Jesus. 

AND BTWs, what is not to love about Jesus? I mean, He is basically Love Incarnate. How could someone not be wooed by Jesus who has “loved you with an everlasting love?” Jeremiah 31:3 and verses like “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Romans 8 :31-35

I mean seriously, that is hot…like God wants to give us everything we want and at the same time save us from destruction, and he doesn’t condemn us for anything?….(MAN I love me some Jesus, how can anyone NOT want You Lord, You are so fine. In a righteous and holy way of course. 😀 )

ANYWAY, Because I’m not like a cutesy Norwegian or petite kind hearted Asian girl, boys at church don’t usually come running as was hightlighted by my chat with Korean-Guy-Who-thinks-He-is-Gorgeous.  The guys who do usually hit on me, don’t love Jesus, but to them I am off limits.

Anyhow, I know for sure that God had something else in store for me.  And I want it. And by “it” not about like marrying someone amazing necessarily, I  mean “it”, the type of life I want to lead. I want that more than I want to date someone or get married, and that has been my choice.  And while I do get down on myself sometimes for being single, (tempted to ask the question:what is wrong with me?) I remember that I am not in charge of my own life, and I continue to trust that God has a plan for me.  

In the meantime I will be singing this tune by Brooke Fraser.

(Bonus Reason #4: Ricky.

I should have mentioned, my fourth reason is because of my imaginary boyfriend:

English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: can u send me his picture?

me: okay hold on…I have to find a good pic of us.

1:32 PM English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: lol

1:33 PM me: sorry i couldnt find a good one of me and him together,  but here is a picture of him
  http://www.kabobfest.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/magician.jpg

1:34 PM English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: lol he looks waaaaaaaaaay older than in his 20s!

 me: this is him as a kid
 English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: but hey! likes magic!

 me: if you wanna see him looking younger http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MSKV0Fhnksw/SwpBHRBmPBI/AAAAAAAABec/Mk1ITapqsEg/s1600/Magician%2BAkash%2BS.M.jpg

 He used to be indian

English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: Bwahahahaha

I mean, R. Ricardo and I just have too much fun together. I don’t really know if I could give that up.)

So this morning, I did a 180.
 
In my CAR.
 
It was so crazy, because I wasn’t speeding or traveling down one of those sketchy non-salted roads in my country-hick town.  No, I was just driving along nice and easy, following the vehicle in front of me when BAM!! I am spinning OUTTA CONTROL…(hmm..maybe that is the wrong onomatopoeia for it…what is the onomatopoeia for spinning towards your almost death- Swoosh?…that still doesnt seem right…) 
 
Anyway, my car is now facing the car behind me, who happens to be a coworker and she is looking at me with the “WHaaa? Are you okay?” face…I look back at her and give her a weird smile, because my heart was beating so fast and I was slightly shaking, but I also want to let her know I am okay.  So that was my crazy morning. 
 
I also slipped yesterday going down a different road and SWOOSH-SH-SH-SH-SHHHHHhhhh…I have learned not to take that road now at all during this winter.
 
But I guess it doesn’t matter, because clearly the Mystical-Snow-Ice-Imps are at work trying to get me in trouble (It is a good thing I have some Heavenly favor, major props to the Man Upstairs…or I am pretty certain I would have hit someone by now). 
 
I came into the staffroom about 3 minutes after this spinning incident and right when I got to my desk my supervisor came up to me. “BlueForestPrincess-sensei! I heard you had some car trouble! Someone from City Hall called.” 
 
I was like, what? I mean, I know, news travels fast here, especially about Gaijin behavior, we are like mini celebrities here, but not THAT fast.  I am not even joking about the celebrity status…our moves are watched and reported on through town like they are gossip.  I once went to get gas and the people at the station made me a new point card at the gas station, and a couple days later one of my coworkers came up to me and was like, did you go to the gas station and lose your point card?  And the other week when I went to get a flu shot, one of my friends, who lives the ANOTHER town texted me and was all, “Did you go to the hospital tonight?” 
 
Do you know that  magazines that has one of those sections with “STARS-They’re Just Like Us!” (I find this whole section and title rather patronzing and insipid for both celebrities and normal citizens alike, but whatever…)? Actual example of this ridiculousness.
 
My town should have this section in their own magazine, “FOREIGNERS-They’re Just Like US!” (or alternative title “OH.MY.GAH. There is a gaijin! *Let’s all stare and talk about them to our friends later*!”) I suppose there would be pictures of me at the gas station losing my gas card with some caption that read, “FOREIGN PEOPLE! They even lose their gas cards!” “FOREIGN PEOPLE!-They even get the flu shot!”-with a picture of me wearing a mask looking horrified at the local hospital from hearing an old man in the other room moaning and groaning loudly.
 
Good thing this magazine does not exist, because if they took my picture yesterday it would have said “FOREIGNERS! They even get holes in their pants!” Yesterday, at my visitation school I went to use the bathroom and discovered a HUGE HOLE below the bottom of my left cheek, I had to walk like a geisha all day to keep anyone from seeing the hole. 
 
Or if they had taken a picture of me this morning:
 
*BlueForestPrincess-sensei comes to school wearing GRASSES*
 
X-Sensei *walks to Ulu-sensei’s desk: ARA!! (SHOCK-U! X/)
 
BlueForestPrincess-sensei cracks up. 
 
X-Sensei: BFP-sensei, you look much more clever than normal!
 
More laughter.
 
Wait…WHAT?!   
 
Conclusion:
I clearly look stupid.
 
“FOREIGN PEOPLE! They are NOT like us at all! They look STUPID! “
 
Anyway, I was surprised that my sup. had already heard about my spin, and then she goes, “I heard the City Hall people helped you out of the gutter.”
 
Oh, THAT time.
 
Last week I was dropping Princess No 2 off at her house.  In Japan, there are these gutters on the sides of roads here that we call Gaijin Traps.  They are called Gaijin Traps for obvious reasons.  I have had the good fortune not to have fallen into any of them for a year and a half, but this time the road was completely icy and white with compressed snow, so I couldn’t see anything.  Basically, the right front of my wheel got caught in the gutter and Princess No 2 who works for City Hall called her coworkers and they came over and helped me out.
 
Thank goodness for the City Hall people, I wrote them a Thank You Note… I was so happy that they came to rescue me after all the trouble I caused them…sigh…Anyway, so this morning was crazy, but I had a really awesome dream last night.
 
I am pretty sure this dream was brought by all the hours of Prison Break, with my BOYfriend Ricky Ricardo, I have been watching (yes, I know, I lead an exciting life up here in the Blue Forest) and I had this dream I was a criminal on the run and doing a robbery with the Fox River 8 at Walmart.  The popo caught us and sent us to prison (okay I know I said this dream was awesome, but it started out as a nightmare..) anyway, in prison I was totally dating Christian Bale. I am not sure why I was not dating Wentworth Miller however, but I am not going to argue about my subconcious about this.  Anyway, somehow we broke out of jail and were free and we all started dancing (yes, before he was Batman or American Psycho Christian Bale definitely could have been on Glee, this tidbit about him however only appeals to me even more)  on the roof  with Kurt Hummel.   I was pretty estatic, until my alarm went off. 
 
Oh well, I can always dream again, deshou? ^^v  
 

Unlike an American boy, who would have just got the picture (as in, the I don’t like you please stop asking to hang out with me picture) my coworker has decided to keep asking me out. He is fine if I want to bring some friends with me. He wants to go skiing in Iwate Prefecture next week. I however, have to take my cat to the vet to get a microchip put in him that weekend. I know that sounds like a fake excuse, but it is actually true, and if I don’t do it that weekend my cat will not be able to come back to America with me, because of the time regulations required by the state of Hawaii. SO, I think I will use this (valid) excuse to get out of this awkward Group Date for next weekend at least. I suppose I could tell him how Ricky Ricardo, my BOYfriend (who is as much of my boyfriend as George Glass is to Jan Brady) is taking me monkey watching next weekend in his hot air balloon.

Also, let me tell you I do NOT, really do not want to go on a Group Date. Because I have been on one before. Once when I was in junior high. Oh, the awkwardness of it all. So my best friend at the time, we shall from this point on refer to her as Miss Hot-Topic-Sassy-Pants (I am sure she doesn’t wear Hot Topic anymore..well somewhat sure) got asked out by her friend Mr. Adorable-Asian-Smiles-Kid. So she went out with him, but invited me to come along, I don’t know why she thought this was a good idea, but she basically wanted me there for moral support. I sort of reluctantly agreed to come, but my tween adolescent mind got the better of me, since at the time was fascinated to see how this was going to play out, so I came. We met at a mall in Hawaii, and to my surprise a bunch of her other friends and his friends came as well. To be honest, I don’t remember the rest of her friends because I can only recall Short-Curly-Haired-Jewish-Kid. The reason I remember Short-Curly-Haired-Jewish-Kid is because he clung to me during the entire group date and never left my side (this however, was not as awkward as the time an acquaintance of mine set me up on a blind date, which I didn’t realize was one, with Mr.McLawyer-Wrinkled-Forehead-Nerdy-Pants which I will discuss later). I am not really sure why he liked me, I was told this later on by Miss Hot-Topic-Sassy-Pants, but anyway this story isn’t about me, it’s about the Group Date.

The Group Date basically consisted of was walking around the mall.  In a Group.  We all followed my friend and Mr. Adorable-Asian-Smiles-Kid. There were about two or three moments when my friend and this boy held hands awkwardly, while the rest of us trailed behind. Shorty, next to my side, kept trying to make a move on me. 

I don’t think we really did anything else, maybe we saw a movie, I really don’t remember, but that was the end of it. Of course later, Miss-Hot-Topic-Sassy-Pants called me up and told me that Short-Curly-Haired-Jewish-Kid thought I was cute and wanted to go out with me. Not returning his amour, I told her bluntly that I thought he was too short for me. Of course, I didn’t realize that she had him ON THE PHONE on three way (this was before conference calling via Skype). Unfortunately, he wasn’t a mouth breather, so I had no idea he was on the phone listening to me INSULT him.

This also reminds me of the time Miss-Hot-Topic-Sassy-Pants and I were walking down the hall and she asked me if I thought Blonde-Long-Haired-Skater-Boy was cute. I did think he was cute, but I was embarrassed to admit to such a thing in public where a myriad of my peers could hear me, instead I told her that “I thought he had a big nose.” Which, was true, he did have a big nose, but I thought his big nose was actually nice. I did not realize he was standing behind me. We both turned and there he was, looking at me as if I had hurt his feelings, which of course I had. I have learned to not say mean things aloud anymore, or at least to check behind my shoulder before I do say anything. I also learned that I would have been much more embarrassed after I had told her the truth and he had heard it, thus my INSULT saved me.

The only other date I have been on was one I didn’t realize was happening until months later (I am not even kidding about this). So I used to work for a Government Official at one point and worked at the Capitol building. In the vanpool I was in was this lady, who strangely enough worked at one point with one of my best friend’s (Looks-Like-Me) Dad. She was a lawyer. At the time I had been thinking about going to law school, so she emailed me and asked if I wanted to meet up with her and another lawyer friend at the Capitol Cafeteria to have lunch and share information. I agreed of course, and we all met, I naively thought this would be only for networking, although these crafty lawyers had something else in mind. McLawyer-Wrinkled-Forehead-Nerdy-Pants was clearly much older than me, I was I think 23 at the time, and this guy had to have been in his 40s. Anyway, we had lunch, and I saw him shortly after on campus saying that he had had fun and asked me if I wanted to have lunch again. I responded that sure, I wouldn’t mind having lunch with him and Crafty-Lawyer-Lady from my vanpool again. He looked hurt and dejected, and I looked back at him confused. MONTHS later I was hanging out at Looks-Like-Me’s house and her mom and whilst shooting the breeze she goes, “Crafty-Lawyer-Lady, she is a whack-a-doo. I heard she tried to set you up on a blind date.”

 Umm, what? Then it all made sense. Fortunately, I moved back to Hawaii shortly after and never saw Crafty-Lawyer-Lady or McLawyer-Wrinkled-Forehead-Nerdy-Pants again.

Anyhow, people here keep saying to me, “Oh you should go out with this guy!” “Why don’t you give him a chance?” Blah, blah, blah…Well I will tell you why, BECAUSE I have already hung out with this guy on numerous occasions at work, and it is always awkward. Why would I want to subject myself to a whole evening of awkward when I could watch Wentworth Miller on Prison Break at my house (I have just discovered Prison Break, I know I am like 10 years late or whatever plus Wentworth Miller is as my friend Glamourous-Vietnamese-Chick says, “Soooooo fine.”) with my BOYfriend Ricky Ricardo, professional magician and pirate. And maybe I want to go out with a boy that I actually like, (is that really so much to ask??).  I also think its kind of mean to lead people on, I’m a firm believer that if you don’t like someone in that way, you just need to be honest with them.   Although, my EMAIL response apparently wasn’t honest enough, because he still wants to go out on this Group Date thing. I straight up need to be like more American the next time we meet, hopefully my foreignness will scare him off. Or maybe I can hire one of the JETs to be my boyfriend for a day on the Group Date.

(Addendum:

As you have read this you probably realize there are only two dates there.  That is because I have only gone on two dates before, other wise I would have written more (obviously) and since one of them wasn’t technically mine, I will have to say that I have only been on 1.5 dates, if you include the date that I didn’t know I was on with McLawyer…I am not including all the dates Ricky Ricardo has taken me on: those dates include: ①hot air ballooning in his hot air balloon and searching for aluminum cans (that is his pasttime) ②going to all of his pirate and magician shows.)

OH.MY.GAH.

I cannot believe what just happened.

So, for the past couple days I have been mulling over what to write to my coworker who asked me out and I finally decided this morning to respond to him via email. I figured I could use the morning to bang something out on the keyboard, and do a few edits to make it come out the way I wanted it to.  I figured I had a couple hours at least.

So, this is how I started the letter:

“Good morning X-sensei,
 
I’m well, I did not catch a cold recently, and yes, it has been snowing a lot recently! I have never been so cold before.
To be honest I am not such a great skier,”

And that is when IT happened. The message just sent.  Like on its own.  Like by itself.  I have NO idea how the heck this happened, no edits, nothing.  This is the excerpt of my chat with Princess No. 1 when it happened:

me:oh crap
CRAP CRAP CRAP
my message got sent and I didnt finish it!!!!
SHOOOT
 PrincessNo1:  aaahhhh!!!
 me:  I caNT BELEVEI THIS HAPPENED
oh mgsGAAAH
 Sent at 9:01 AM on Tuesday
 me:  crap crap crappety CRAP
 Sent at 9:03 AM on Tuesday

So, needless to say I realized that I had maybe a couple minutes to fix the situation.  Imean he could be at his computer at that very moment, reading this cruel email that didn’t even have the audacity to have my name signed on it.  I had to remedy this as quickly as possible.

I managed this in that short amount of time:

“Hi X-sensei
 
Gomennasai, my message didn’t finish writing.  Sorry, about that!  So, I am not a great skier, and also I don’t normally hang out with boys by myself, but if you want to hang out with some of me and my friends sometime that would be fun! Let me know what you are thinking.
 
Thanks,

BlueForestPrincess”

 

Ummm…”my message didn’t finish writing”? What is wrong with ME? Like my message as the ability to write its ownself…well I guess so, since apparently it can send itself as well.

I mean “some of me and my friends sometime” What the heck was I typing…like some of me, hey feel free to hang out with a part of my arm and a bunch of my friends….that makes sense….oh my gosh…*mortification*

I have no idea what this guy is going to think, maybe that I wrote two emails and pressed the send button the first time on purpose perhaps to “get a message” across. In Japan, everything, I mean EVERYTHING in their communication is about reading between the lines.  In fact, when I took some Japanese classes last year, I remember when they taught us how to say whether we liked something or not. In America we would go, “Oh, I don’t really care for those day old mushy bananas, but thanks anyway,” we might even say, “Eww, what a disgusting piece of crap, I am not eating that, it looks like something a monkey barfed up.” Not here.  You are supposed to say when asked if you like that mushy banana, “Oh I like the mushy banana, but…” And the “but” paired with the silent ellipses will speak for themselves.   

I was reading about a Japanese author’s tale from the Blue Forest about his childhood memoirs.  In the story, he visits his friends house and his mom serves him some fruit.  He takes one bite of the fruit, politely excuses himself, and gets the heck off the property.  Why?  The mother had served him fruit that was not ripened yet.  Her message to him was you have come to early to my house.

I hope this accidental email that was sent is not misconstrewed as an attempt for me to cruelly reject this poor man.  Now, let me be clear, my plan was to reject him, just in a nice way…not in the way GMAIL had planned it…or maybe perhaps there were more mysterious powers at work after all…I am not really sure.  But the DEED is done, even if gmail forced me to do it.  Maybe I should be thanking it instead…

It is so much easier to reject American boys.

So something happened to me this week that has never happened to me before. EVER.  I was asked out by a boy in writing. A Japanese boy.  At least…I think that is what happened…I am not quite sure that this is his intention however, because I don’t really have very much experience in the asking out area.  But I do know a little something about Japanese boys, and that is they do not ask girls out, just to hang out ALONE, especially at our age, late 20s, unless there is something other than friendship implicated.

The reason I am not exactly sure whether this is a date or not is because I’ve only had a handful of people ask me out before, and as sad as this sounds, this coworker of mine is the closest to a normal person out of all the other people who have asked me out.

The first guy to ask me out was this kid who was sort of a project of a few of my friends when I was a sophmore in college.  He had a lazy eye and was a down-and-out-of-luck kind of guy, so the three of my friends decided to help him out a bit by driving him places and hanging out with him.  And then the phone calls started.  He used to call me and want to talk for hours about his ex-girfriend, how she had treated him, how she had left him, etc…I sooort of listened while playing tetris on the internet or watching Asian dramas on the tv.   Anyhow, I learned my lesson never to be a guy’s psuedo therapist, no matter how much you want to help a person, the line needs to be drawn somewhere if it is a person of the opposite sex.  Anyway, I was driving on the floating bridge towards Seattle, giving this guy a ride home, when suddenly ON THE MIDDLE OF THE BRIDGE- where you can’t stop or park- because you will get a $500 fine, he goes “Hey. (dramatic pause) I have to tell you something.”

Oh crap.  I think I said something like “Jesus, help me,” under my breath, because I knew what he was going to say, and I really didn’t want him to say it.  Also, I was completely unprepared of how exactly to respond.  He proceeded to pour out his heart to me, about how he had developed feelings for me, and so on. I listened patiently, while my hands gripped the steering wheel intensely as if my life depended on it, my shoulders tensed up, and alarms and sirens went off in my head. 

Somehow, I managed to mumble something like, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, but lets still be friends.”

I said this optimistically, but I think we both knew that we could never hang out normally again.  I think we were both a little immature at the time as well and  that was the end of our friendship.

The second time a guy asked me out was when I worked as a barista at a little espresso stand.  He was a skateboard kid, who used to skate to the stand, except for he was not a kid at all.  In fact, he was like in his late 30s, or early 40s or something.  I was a teenager at the time.  He was one of those California surfer type guys who was forever young in his heart, and wore large dark sunglasses to cover up the wrinkles on the corners of his eyes.  He asked me out and I had to say no, since if I was two years younger or something, I’m sure it would have been illegal. Plus, I’m pretty sure this guy was a pothead.

The next two times I was asked out were both when I worked as a teller at a bank (why do boys DO this?…its like they find the place where you are least mobile and try to TRAP YOU). I was sitting at my desk one day, when out of the corner of my eye I could see a guy lurking behind the potted plants area, waiting for the moment to pounce.  I was dealing with a business customer who had multiple transactions, so it was quite a long time until I could be freed up to talk to anyone.  Finally when the business customre left, the guy walked right up to my counter and point blank asked me out.  I was trying to remember who he was, and then I recognized him as a customer who had come in previous that week and had asked me a few questions and had commented on the weather saying how awful the weather was, it had been raining, which was kind of strange for Hawaii.  I had remarked that I enjoyed the rain that day, because it reminded me of Seattle, where I had last lived.  He kind of looked at me admiringly and left.  I had no idea that he would come back, but I suppose my atypical answer had struck a fancy in him for me.

Anyway, impressed as I was, that the guy just sauntered up to my window and boldly asked me out in such a manly way, I replied that I didn’t give my information out to strangers…and to let him save face I told him to give me his email address, which I later googled of course.  I found his myspace and discovered that he was a obsessed with horror movies and had a picture of frankenstein tattooed on his arm.  Needless to say, I let him down gently, since that kind of freaked me out.  I did not want to be found chopped up into pieces in some Hawaiian valley, my parent’s being unable to identify my body.

The next guy to ask me out, was a Chinese guy, who I should mention was 80 years old.  I am not even kidding.  He had a heart problem, but he was the sweetest man.  He used to wait for my window to open, and even if I was busy with a customer and all my coworker’s windows were free he would wait for mine to open.  He would even make kissy faces at me and say things like, ”Man, if I was only 60 years younger….” Obviously, that would have been a short lived marriage.  (Because he would have DIED- he even passed out at my window once, well twice actually, and I had to call 9-1-1.  It was very traumatic for both him and me.) He had over 1 million dollars in his bank account alone, however I am not the gold-digger type, even if he was in love with me.

I got asked out once in London by this guy whose name was Ben.  I met him in the park of Hampstead Heath, actually a very beautiful place.  He had brought his dog to the park and a bunch of us started petting him.  As Ben and I began to have a conversation, my friends mysteriously disappeared (I yelled at them later on for this…)  Ben told me that he was an ex-drug user who lived at his parents house.  A little too much information for a first time conversation.  Anyhow,  I kindly continued the conversation on and towards the end he asked me for my number.  I smiled and told him politely, that I don’t give my number out to strangers.  I seriously thought that would be the end of it, but he kept insisting.  I think he asked me for my number about three times, I felt embarrassed and wished that he would stop.  He finally (thank the Lord) gave up and left the park.

So, that was in 2009, and for three full years I have managed to avoid the awkward asking out, until this morning. (Let me clarify something however, I wouldn’t mind being asked out, if I actually LIKED the guy, just wanted to put that out there, but so far it has only been a handful of the most bizarre sort of guys…)

(I am also not counting the time when one of my students, a high school girl, yelled out the window asking if I would go out with her please at the top of her lungs…) 

I opened my email this morning to see in a message sent by a Japanese coworker at a visitation school.  His words were so formal, but so genuine.  I already know my answer will be no, I feel there are just too many differences between us.  My plan is to let him down gently and easily, but, I feel terrible for knowing that I will have to refuse him.