…If Jane Austen was to write a novel about my family, I think it would start with something like, “IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman of the Blue Forest Princess’s family must be in want of a submissive husband.”

I love my family I really do, but the girls in my family, how should I say this…rule-the-roost? Wear-the-pants? The Bossy-Pants? The-Don’t-let-the-boys-in-our-family-have-much-of-a-say-ever-not-even-if-we-lived-in-a-post-apocalypse-and-were-dependent-on-men-for-survival-Pants? My extended and immediate family is basically a self-proclaimed matriarchy where women are loud and declarative and the boys are quiet and relatively submissive.

My cousin and her fiance are a clear example of this. But first let me describe my cousin’s personality…it is sort of  a mixture between the playful and bossy.  Hm..how else can I explain it? I think a quick example needs to be employed:

During college at some party in California, my cousin met Nick Carter and jokingly called him a D-Bag (I don’t know why she thought this would be funny, but anyways)…he got really mad said to her “You are disinvited to my party…but your friend can still come.”  To which she scoffed at and left with her friends in tow declaring none of them would want to go to his party after making a junior high statement like that.   (I know this story was kind of random, but it always amuses me.)

Anyhoo, my soon-to-be-cousin-in-law is a nice guy, you could classify him as the silent type.  He happily puts up with my cousin who mostly bosses him around and makes him do various things for her, like massage her and drive her places. This arrangement however seems to be working out well for the both of them, and it seems that he really doesn’t mind being her love slave.

This type of behavior can also be seen in my mom and dad’s relationship.  In fact, when she is especially grumpy sometimes she will come home from work and turn her nose up at whatever my dad has made for dinner (I should also mention, the boys cook in my family, not the girls.) She will throw her purse down on the table and declare, “What is this? I don’t want to eat this!” 

Also, quick story, the other day my mom told me via Skype that she came home and could smell kalbi (Korean BBQ) wafting through the house but when she went into the kitchen no one was there and no food was there.  Her response to this was to immediately get on the phone:

Dad: Hello?

Mom *eyes narrowing*: Where are you?

Dad: At Anthony’s (my cousin’s) watching the superbowl.

Mom: (silent pause.)  You better come home. And if you don’t bring the kalbi with you, don’t bother coming home.

My dad came home with kalbi less than an hour later.

My aunt, my mom’s middle sister, who is not married and does not have a man to boss around, manages to display these charming snippets of regality to other people instead.  I remember once we were at the movies and she called the Clerk at the snack counter a not very nice name for not putting butter on her popcorn when she asked him to.  Also, once when this same aunt had an allergic reaction to her cancer medicine, I found her butt naked sitting on my bed, refusing to put the clothes on that I gave her.  I asked her what was wrong she said that she was fine, but I felt her head and it was blazing hot with fever. So, I woke up my other aunt who told me to get her some clothes and she would drive her to the hospital.  I went into her room to get her underwear and a tshirt and pants, and came back into my room.  I handed her the underwear to put on, and she grabbed it from me then declared regally, “I don’t want THESE!” Flung it very dramatically across the room and proceeded to make me get her a different pair.  (At the hospital the next day, she told us she did not recollect doing this, however.)

Going through some historical documents regarding my family, I have discovered why the women in my family are so bossy.  Apparently, we are genetically predisposed to it.  Why is this?  Here’s a hint: my favorite color is purple.  I read a book once where the author said that people “who love the color purple have delusions of grandeur”.  Well, in my case it turns out that I am only semi-delusional.

I’ve only told a couple people this since its really not that big a deal since the Hawaiian Kingdom doesn’t exist anymore, but some of my mom’s women ancestors were in fact, Hawaiian royalty. My dad’s side, on the other hand, is filled with Hispanic/Puerto Ricans immigrants who crossed the Pacific to live on a remote island for unknown reasons… I can’t prove this, but I am pretty certain those ancestors quite possibly could have been criminals or thieves.

Although they were probably really hot criminals or thieves who could dance the salsa really well (the Spanish side of my family is really good looking and musically inclined, in fact, one of  my cousins was a legit beauty queen back in the day for the state of Washington), which basically makes me half royal and half hot thief.  I knew there was a reason for my desire to always wanting to be carried around by a litter and never wanting to personally clean anything in my house.  Although, I gotta admit that I have never wanted to STEAL anything from anyone, (thank GOD), despite my dream of being in Prison Break with Wentworth Miller….although I am not a bad salsa dancer if I do say so myself… 😉

Anyway, this whole nobility thing starts with this one adventurous Sea Captain British Ancestor Guy on my mom’s side who sailed to the Islands of Hawaii almost 200 years ago.  Apparently this British Ancestor Guy of mine was a major charmer, and was given two Hawaiian-Tahitian wives (who were sisters-major Eww-factor, I know..you don’t need to tell me…people did weird things back in the day).

(Interesting, side note, this ‘charming’ British ancestor of mine at some point, left his two Hawaiian-Tahitian wives and children and went back to England got married (AGAIN) to an English lady.  Fast forward to when his children were preteens living with their mom in Hawaii and suddenly Captain British Ancestor Guy shows up in Hawaii with his new English Bride and wants to take his hapa children back to London, ‘for a proper British education’, (he apparently like bossing people around as well) but this Hawaiian woman ancestor refused and the Captain British Ancestor Guy promptly returned to England.)

Anyway, only this one sister had children, she had two boys. One of these boys married into ali’i, that is Hawaiian Royalty, a woman to whom my real name is attributed.  Anyhow, this woman and her family lived at the Palace as retainers in court during the reign of King Kalakaua and was the last reigning Governess of Hawai’i before its annexation by the United States.   Her office was abolished in 1887.  While this reign is officially over, I think the women in my family still like to pretend that they still rule.  Although, since they can’t boss anyone around anymore now that the US has taken over, they have to be content bossing their romantic subjects around instead.

This concerns me, because despite the accusations of my friend Korean-Guy-Who-Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous, I do not think I am really a super-strong-intense-passionate-bossy woman…well at least not compared to my bossy female relative counterparts…Wait a second….




I just had a revelation.

Maybe in actuality, I really am this bossy.

OH SCHNAPS! HOW could I never have seen this?!!  It’s genetic, inevitable!

It totally makes since as to why I am still single.  I mean think about it, all my girl relatives are married to Push-Over Guys who like Bossy Women.  And I am not attracted to Push-Over Guys. I tend to like boys are are manly and don’t wear skinny jeans and are somewhat boisterous.  But those kind of Non-Wearing Skinny Jeaned Manly Boys usually don’t go for Bossy Women. They usually go for girls who do not boss them around…they go for Sweet Heart Princess-Pantses.   Crap!…What I am gonna do?

Must.come.up.with.solution. QUICK!…*thinking thinking thinking*

Got it!

I have a Plan. I will trick one Non-Wearing Skinny Jeaned Manly Boy to fall in love with me…I am going to call it: The Capture.