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So amazingly, impossibly, incredibly YES it is still snowing here.  We have had about three good white outs (and by white outs I mean straight up snow storm blizzard attacks where you can’t see anything but your own hand in front of your face and maybe the car in front of you if you are driving) in the past two weeks.  Last year, the winter did not last this long, so I sometimes feel like I am trapped in Narnia and Aslan has not returned…or Game of Thrones…and whatever happens there for it to become spring hasn’t happened yet .  What does one do in the Blue Forest during the winter? The answer:not much, except for survive earthquakes and pass away the time watching television shows.  

Okay so last night, Wants-to-be-a-Red Head downloaded the Starvation Contests and since there is absolutely nothing else to do out here I came over and we made spaghetti and started watching it (the movie not the spaghetti).   While we were watching,  Wants-to-be-a-Redhead sent the Starvation Contests file to Sassy-Australian-Fancy-Pants via skype. So about midway through the movie, the earthquake alarms on both our phones went off, and I was kind of surprised more than anything, because during the last earthquake which was a pretty big one, my phone didn’t go off at all (even though it was supposed to).    But then I was like oh crappppp–because when your phone alarm here goes off for earthquakes, it usually means legit earthquake business, because the alarms don’t ever go off for the little shakes or the shakes you don’t need to take cover for.

Anyway, Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head got up and ran around the room for about 20 seconds, she somewhat resembled a chicken with her head cut off, or like remember when you were in P.E. in junior high and they made you run laps around a track over and over again for no reason other than for the sake of physical education? Well, she kind of looked like that for the briefest of moments.  I headed to the door at first, but then decided that probably wasn’t best idea because I remembered that Red-Head’s winding stairs was covered in ice, and I figured it was probably more likely that we would slip and injure ourselves trying to get down.  

I made a quick decision and ordered Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head to get under her table after she started wailing, “What do I dooo? Where do I gooooo?” (She claims I threw her under the table, but I don’t remember doing that-if anything I would call it “ushering”).  Anyway, I crawled next to her and patted her back and prayed as we looked up earthquakes on the internet during the shaking to try to see where exactly it hit.  The power was still intact, so I felt we were in pretty good shape, even though the shake was a fairly strong one. Finally it stopped and we emerged from under the table to see the tea that I had been drinking had spilt everywhere (certainly a waste of a good cup of Lady Grey, if I ever saw one- my British friends in London would have been horrified from the liquid carnage–seriously it looked like my tea had committed suicide).   

Anyhow, after the earthquake hit and while I was still there a few people contacted Red-Head to see if she was alright, even Tall Twin had called:

Tall Twin: Hi Wants-to-be-a-Redhead are you okay?

Wants-to-be-a-Redhead: Yeah, I’m fine.  Blue Forest Princess is here with me, and she pushed me under a table.

Me: What the heck I can’t believe even Tall Twin has called to check on you, but no one has texted or called me to see if I am alright.  (Tall Twin and Wants-to-be-a-Redhead continued their conversation during my muttering, so I didn’t hear what else they talked about until:)

Wants-to-be-a-Redhead: Tall Twin said he could hear you complaining. Okay, bye!  

Tall Twin: Bye!

For a few minutes, I waited to see if anyone would contact me, however I came to realize that no one had checked to see if I was still arive (alive)….this concerned me so I posted something on facebook about it and recieved a slew of different comments regarding my wefare, the reactions of people were rather interesting:

BlueForestPrincess status: what the flip….two people checked on Wants-to-be-a-RedHead just now right after the earthquake while i with her but does anyone call me…Noooooo

Comments:

Snarky Russian Dude: actions don’t lie 

(my thought: okay what the heck is that supposed to mean?)

Mini-Me: Are you ok BlueForestPrincess?

Me: awww thank you Mini-me and NOBODY else 

(my thought: Mini-me happens to be a junior high student and very kind person–how sad is it that a junior higher is the first person to check on me??)

Princess No1 (in Korea): Let the record show that I checked on you…well, we were already chatting while it happened. Also, I checked on you during the BIG earthquake…although you didn’t know that because our phones were out of order for three days. But it was the thought that counted.

Hawaiian Boy Twin: I don’t have your phone number! That one was pretty darn strong though huh.

(my thought: the funny person part of me totally wanted to make an inappropriate joke here like ohhh- ‘that is pretty sly way of asking for my phone number ^_~ hahaha’–but then thought maybe he would take that comment the wrong way, so I refrained.)

Looks-Really-Young-Mom (Mini-Me’s mom): I saw you post about your tea, so I knew you were okay–I did think about you and was wondering how it felt in your area.

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants: HEY I SENT YOU BOTH A SKYPE MESSAGE!

Me: Yeah because of YOUR SICKNESS….you just wanted to make sure your Starvation Contests file was still downloading!!!

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants:  not really, i thought about you guys first

Me: Noo..I have the conversation to prove it:

Skype convo:

     [8:15:38 PM] Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants: all i was thinking was “oh sh*t dont go offline dont go offline i need my starvation contests download”…priorities right

     Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head: oh geeez

     Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head:you are sick

     Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head: lol

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants:hey now, dont repost my messages

(my thought: hmmm..hope she doesn’ read my blog- seriously Australian Fancy Pants is scary–she could probably beat me up pretty easily)

Old-School-Friend-in-Haiti: What if the first time I hear about the earthquake is when a friend of mine complains about a lack of immediate attention? … anyway, are you ok Blue Forest Princess???

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants: GEEK ALERT! and you call me the nerd!

Me: You are a nerd.

Love-to-Wear-Kimono: I just felt little rumbles and didn’t know there was a big one until scrolling through posts. Gomen ne… I don’t even know how big it was.

My First Japanese Friend: BlueForest-san, i’m worried abt you too. be careful, i heard there may be some afterquakes.

Looks-Like Me’s Mom: If you had a Japanese boy friend with tight pants, he would check on you.

Korean Guy who Thinks He is Gorgeous: Hey….. How you doin ??? 😉

(my thought: seriously?)

Concerned Cousin: Another quake? Good grief! Does it ever stop? You better come home BFS.

Hot Single Black Girl Poet: I hope you’re ok, sadly its like my bed time here in the Emerald City and I go to sleep and everything is ok BUT when I wake up and hear about disasters! yikes ! I hope your feeling somewhat better.

So, okay I suppose I should amend the title of my post to be ” How Nobody Cares About Me (Earthquake Reactions) Until I Post a Complaint About it on Facebook and the Overeating Games” but to be honest…that is really just too wordy.  

After the movie and earthquake I went home to find my cat was in an especially cuddly mood, in fact last night he literally slept on my face and was purring so loudly he woke me up.  And then we both got woken up by thunder and lightning around 5:12…in the MORNING…UGH…I swear Blue Forest…sometimes you try my patience…

Anyhoooo, in other news I have decided to write a book called the Overeating Games. I also posted about this on facebook book and also received a myriad of responses.

BFP FBstatus: I’m going to write a book called the “Overeating Games”.

Ventian: hahahaha

me: in my book people force feed each other to eat. The Cornucopia is real and the Arena resembles the set of Top Chef

Old School Friend in Haiti: For some reason I think you’re joking

Me: nothing gets by you

Nova Scotia Boy: Can I be one of the characters? 

Hot Black Single Poet Girl: the pounds be ever in your favor ? Har har (liked)

Me: I don’t know… Nova Scotia Boy can you stand gaining lots of weight…you are pretty skinny

Nova Scotia Boy: The nice thing about being a character is that anything that happens to you is fictional… like in dreams, only more readable and hopefully more logical.

Me: Yea, but my books actually turn into reality…so I dont know if you are prepared for that…and this book will be anything from readable and logical in fact I am mirroring the HG’s own methods in these respects, so my books will be just as successful

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So, okay…for those of you who aren’t quite caught up, about a month ago a Japanese coworker of mine asked me out. I politely declined and told him that I usually hang out with boys in groups and not really one-on-one most of the time.  To make sure I wasn’t crazy or just making too much out of the invitation, I plucked the minds of my Japanese girlfriends to see what their opinion was.  I kept thinking, maybe he just wanted to hang out, and I got it wrong. (?)

Here’s a quick sample of one of those conversations, but they all pretty much said the same thing.

Friendly-sensei: “So, he wanted to go skiing with you for a day?”

Me: “Hai.”

Friendly-sensei: “Just you and him?”

Me: “Hai.”

Friendly-sensei: “Ummm..,Yeah…we don’t really do that. It sounds to me like an official first date.”

So last week, I had my monthly visitation to the school where he works at.  We hadn’t seen each other since before he had asked me out via email, so I wasn’t exactly looking forward to this visitation, which is a real shame, because I really like this school, well I USED to anyway. So, the day before my visitation he emails me an apology for asking me out along with the lesson plan like 10 minutes before I am off of work.   He usually sends me the lesson plan at least a day or two beforehand, not so last minute.

I show up at school the next day, and go into the special room they designated for the ALT.   Instead of coming to lurk around my desk and try to talk to me, for hours (which is what he usually does when I come to visit) he mysteriously doesn’t show up until much later.  I think its because because he is probably a little embarrassed to see me after I had declined the ski trip invitation.  Anyway, he shows up right before class starts which a copy of his email in hand, which contains the apology and the lesson plan.   He places the paper on the desk and pushes the email to me to make sure I can see the place where he apologized.  I really am not certain what he expects me to say,  it was like I could feel his awkwardness oozing my way, but I try to cover up for him, and so I just pretend that nothing happened.   Denial is always a good way of dealing with awkward situations.  So I smile and carry on, we have our lessons, and I think that is the end of it.

WRONG.   WRONG.   WRONG. 

First off, I should not have told him that I hang out in groups.  Because I guess he mistakenly thought this was an opportunity for him to  invite himself to hang out with me in my group of friends.  Secondly, I should have told him directly, “I am sorry, but I am not interested.” Thirdly, I should not have smiled at him. EVER. Why should I have done all these things?  WHY you ask?

Because he freaking emailed me AGAIN to hang out.  Omgash…I thought we were clear!  I mean, he even apologized to me for asking me out!   I was feeling bad for him before, but now I am just getting annoyed.  Okay, Mr. Coworker, I really didn’t want to do this. I feel you are  is pushing me into a direction I do not want to go.  I am gonna have to go Puerto Rican on you.

me:   omgeee so my coworker asked me out again UGH
Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahahaha
me: reave me aroooonnneee
Puerto-Rican-Twin: Wait. How did he ask you out?
me: email
Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahahaha…So what did his email say this time?
me: well the thing that bothers me is not what he said, but the fact that he is still pushing to hang out with me after I told him no indirectly TWICE and he sent me an apology email for asking me out
Puerto-Rican-Twin: lol You need to be straight but polite
me: i cannot believe he has asked me out again…its like he forgot what happened well I was nice about it, and I dont think he gets it ..geez…I am gonna have to bust out the Puerto Rican if he doesnt stop bothering me

Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahahaha

Okay, so when I was living in London for school, there were multiple times I had to go all Puerto Rican and yell at boys to leave me alone.   I remember once I was walking back to my dorm at night and this car zoomed up next to me stopped, and rolled the window and and this guy started to solicit me.  I was not wearing any revealing clothes, just normal graduate student apparel, so I started yelling at him to “P*ss off!” And he zoomed away realizing that I meant business.   Also once I was at the crosswalk near Camden Market and someone pinched my bottom.  No lie, I turned around with fiery darts in  my eyes and eyeballed the first guy I thought it could have been angle wise.  I shot lasers of fire from my eyes at him, and was about to say something but then he finally looked over at me and said sheepishly, “I’m sorry.” 

In the Western world, I think this kind of behavior is acceptable for women, but I don’t think that would go over so well here in Japan.  Not that my coworker has tried to do any of these kinds of things to me, but it is so much harder to get rid of him.  It’s sort of like playing Whack-A-Mole.  Like he comes up and I hit him, and he goes down, and then comes up again later and tries to ask me out once more.

 Last night I was watching FRIENDS and passed out on my bed, and then at one point my doorbell rang.  I woke up really confused, and look to see the clock is like 9:12pm. The doorbell rings again, and I hear a car running outside my door. I am a hot mess, and in my PJs, there is no way I am going to answer my door.  Plus, its rude to come over to someone’s house so late, in my opinion, without calling or at least facebooking that person. 

 Then the thought occurs to me, OMGSH what if I have a stalker??? Having a stalker if you are foreign is not uncommon in Japan, unfortunately, and a couple of my friends here even in rural areas have had legit stalkers.  So I wait until they leave to walk downstairs and bolt my door.   I mean its 9pm, even the postman doesn’t come over that late.  And anyone who knows me, would text or call me.  There is a slight chance that it may be a Jehovah’s Witness (yes, we even have them in the middle of nowhere Japan), but I have been told they usually come on the weekend. It’s only when I am upstairs that I think it might be a good idea to sleep with a knife under my pillow.    Anyway though I am too lazy to go back downstairs so I look around my room to see what I have.  I decide the best weapons I have in my room are:

Weapon Number One: Candle Lighter.  Easy to access, not dangerous to sleep with as there is a safety lock on it.  And it’s fire, very lethal and effective.

Weapon Number Two: Sewing Scissors. Small, but very effective.  I have almost cut myself with them before and it was not pleasant.

Weapon Number Three: Sewing Needles. Will go for the intruder’s eye.  Or other equally vulnerable part.

Maybe I am over reacting, in all likelihood it was probably my cable company wondering why I haven’t paid my bill yet, or NTT asking me for a donation for their public access channel, even though I don’t watch my tv. EVER.  I don’t even have internet at my house. 

Plus, I don’t think stalkers ring your doorbell.  They usually lurk in your window while you are doing your dishes.  This happened to my friend The Beast who lives in another prefecture now.  But for the past 5 years he had a stalker in the Blue Forest who would show up everywhere he was and constantly creep around his house spying at him through his windows.  After about 5 years of this she showed up at his door one day, (hmm, maybe stalkers do knock/ring the doorbell sometimes) and he had finally had it. 

“I told you NEVER TO COME HERE!!!” It was just like the voice Beast used in Beauty and the Beast when he got mad that Belle had went into the West Wing and he got really angry and yelled at her to get out.  Except for the Beauty in this story was actually a Middle-Aged Stalker Lady from rural Japan.

The Beast told me that the next Monday at school the students were practicing their English asking each other what they did over the weekend, and one of his students said, “This weekend I heard Beast-sensei yell really loud in the neighborhood.”

That was the last time he saw her.

Maybe that is what Princess #2 should do.  Because for the past couple weeks this one guy in his 30s keeps coming over to her house, the first time when she was sick and she was in her PJs and he just opened the door to her house and walked in and started feeling her forehead.  He said he was sent by the water company to check some meters in her house, but he came back again and just barged in.  In any event,  that is still weird behavior and it is rude to just walk into someone’s house without asking or without warning no matter what country you are from.

Plans for The Capture

Coming up with a plan for The Capture is much harder than I thought.  First off, there aren’t a lot of Manly Boys Who Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans And Love Jesus for me to Capture in this world (especially in the Blue Forest of Japan..in fact I think I have hit the jackpot for living in a place known for the very opposite, that is, a place filled with Effeminate Boys who Wear Skinny Jeans (and sometimes make up) and Don’t Love Jesus and also because even if I was in America a lot of Boys Who Love Jesus Wear Skinny Jeans these days…case in point once my friends Travels-A-Lot-Girl, B-Baller-Boy and I went to Nordstroms because B-Baller-Boy wanted to try some Sevens Jeans on…Travels-A-Lot-Girl and I waited in the Men’s Department on the Couch and started watching the football game…B-Baller-Boy came out and asked us how we thought his pants looked…while keeping our eyes on the tv screen we said the pants looked good…he bought the pants…)

Plans Considered:
 
Plan A: Physical Capture.
 
Thoughts: When I came up with the idea for The Capture, of course the image that flashed that immediately through my mind included one of those traps that is basically a giant box with nothing but a stick holding it up attached to a string.  I would have to put various that would attract the type of Boy I like, such as a Bible and a giant steak and a pair of big jeans…and basically I would wait in the bushes and hope for the best, pull the string, and thus Capture the Boy. Or I could use a giant cage, like in the game Mouse Trap (anyone remember that game? So fun!)  But after thinking this through, a whole bunch of logistical problems came up in my head, like…where could I even place this trap?  I certainly can’t put it in the Forest near my house, after all there are no boys of any kind around.  I couldn’t place it in town, because that is probably illegal. Anyway, even if it worked and I caught said Manly Boy who Doesn’t Wear Skinny Jeans and Loves Jesus I don’t think that he would be induced to stay after he realized that Captured him by trickery. I mean, I couldn’t even physically hold him there, remember I can’t even open the pickle jar at my house (#9), how am I supposed to hold said Boy down.
 
Conclusion: Will definitely not work. No, this contraption to capture must be one that purely takes place of the mind of the Boy to be Captured. I think this is where the term “feminine wiles” comes into play.
 
Plan B: Using my Feminine Wiles
 
Thoughts: So I suppose I could bust out my feminine wiles.   I mean, books and movies are always talking about how a woman charms a man with her “feminine wiles”, but never really explain what these are.  I am assuming that probably this is something akin to flirting (or maybe pheromones? I’m not really sure…) I imagine…although I don’t really flirt, like Ever. It’s not that I don’t know (I think, jeez…) how but for some reason I can only see Plan B as going horribly wrong. Plus, I think that when people flirt most of the time its just ends up looking really cheesy…or disasterous (btw…speaking of flirting disasters: WATCH THIS)…Okay, out of curiousity I looked up the word “wiles” and it simply means to trick, so this is actually not really a way to achieve my goal, its actually my goal itself which means that its not really a plan at all.
 
Conclusion: Potential Cheesy or Disasterous Results to follow, also “Wiles” definition not actual plan=Ex-Nay.
 
Plan C: Food.
 
Thoughts: I asked Puerto-Rican-Twin for some advice on how to capture a Boy and she suggested tabemono:
 
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  Lure them with food.I was quite surprised by this. But apparently the two most important developments with my boyfriend in our relationship was with food
me:  i was gonna put steak in the trap.
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  He started thinking I was nice and cute after I cooked him a steak when we were friends…And when he got sick and I walked all the way to his place to give him pasta, he said that was the moment he fell in love with me
me:  that is going to be my Plan C
Puerot-Rican-Twin:  hahahaha
me:  what can i cook though
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  So yes. The way to a mans heart is definitely his stomach
me:  i dont have anyone i like right now though..dang it..so i cant cook any food
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  I think anything is fine by them. They like the thought behind it.But Steak is definitely a safe bet unless they are vegetarian
me:  maybe once I trap them first in the giant cage..then i can cook for them
 
Conclusion: Has potential.
 
 
Plan D: Becoming More Like a Boy.
 
Thoughts: Sounds so smart and psychologically-pants doesn’t it? I mean it worked for Amanda Bynes didn’t it?…To get a Boy, I need to think like one.  I am pretty certain that if Sun Tzu wrote a book on The Art of Capturing a Boy Who Doesn’t Wear Skinny Jeans and Loves Jesus, this would definitely be one of the chapter headings.
 
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  okay another trap. Depending on the guy….videogames
me:  oh thats right, boys really like videogames
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  yea. I got into videogames because of mine and now I am like his wingman in games
me:  hahaha..but i only like tetris and words with friends
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  Well he is mine actually because I am better then he is
me:  and wwf isnt even a video game..i dont think…
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  You have to expand your scope a bit
me:  hmmm i used to play mario and duck hunt…when i was like 5years old..i would totally cheat and walk up to the
screen though in duck hunt
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  hahahaha. Well here is my experience…First I played against a bunch of guys super smash brothers. I immediately gained some respect from that
me:  well what if i ending up sucking…then they wouldn’t be impressed at all
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  But with my bf and his friends I played Modern Warfare 2 or Battlefield. I am considered now the cool gf
me:  hmm..i think I would train for like a year first…maybe while the Boy is in his cage
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  I sucked at first too..oh man. I couldnt kill anyone in those games…Trust me it doesnt matter how you start it matters that you show interest in what they like
me:  hmm..i dont really like playing video games that much though…i know thats how Hermit Boy and Hermit Girl in the Third Gate met though working at a video game store
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  hahaha really?
me:  lol yes…and now they are married…maybe that is my problem…i dont play enough video games
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  hahahaha…You just need to step into the guys world a little bit to make them happy..I talk with my bf about all kinds of stuff. Videogames, sports, etc.
me: I I’m not very into sports either…dang…this is harder than i thought
 Puerto-Rican-Twin:  I think its cause the guy doesnt want to step into the girls world…Its easier for a girl to step into a guys world and still remain a girl in others eyes. Not so much for guys.
me:  that is interesting…and very true i think…i think i am just too girly…so basically…i have to become more like a boy
to get a boy..hmm..that does make a lot of sense actually
 
Conclusion: Has potential, but not possible for my girly self to achieve.
 
Plan E: How to Be Obvious Without Being Obvious
 
Princess #2 suggested Plan E.
 
me: hey…help me with my blog what’s the best way to Capture a boy
Princess #2: food.
me: that is Plan C
Princess #2: set a trap like in a old bugs bunny cartoon
me: Plan A
Princess #2: put a plate of food under a box
me: lol
Princess #2: with a string tied to a stick..  or maybe put an xbox under the there…an xbox in a box
me: well Video games falls under Plan D… i dont think there are any other ways… i mean i cant think of any
Princess #2: i trick guys into asking me out on dates
me: lol how..I sense a potential Plan E
Princess #2: lol okay so when was in college, had just broken up with my ex, i was single for the first time in years and i was like, i want to go out on dates so when i would talk to guys at parties or whatever, if they said something like “i like sushi” i would be like, “i LOVE sushi, i really wanted to go the other day but my friends were all busy, i’ve been like craving it” and they would be like….ummmmm i could take you?…maybe and i would be like yea! let’s do it and they’d be like, yea…yea let’s do it!…guys are like complete babies about asking girls out
me: that is true hmm…you would have been a good guy Princess #2
Princess #2: you basically just have to make it totally obvious that you want to do something, and if you have a friendly enough personality they are going to think, hey, she probably wouldn’t mind doing this with me…it’s like, how to be obvious without being obvious..
do you think i could come to the movie tonight?
are you seeing beauty and the beast?
me: LOL
..oh wait you are serious.. I thought you were giving me an example.
 
Conclusion: Will have to run some tests on this later.