YOU know the saying hindsight is 20/20?…Well for me yesterday hindsight could have been 0/20.  Why is this you ask?

So two days ago I thought I would try something new in terms of contact solution.  I normally buy my contact solution from on base, so I was a little confused as to where the contact solution actually was in the Japanese drug store.  I found one of the ladies who worked in the store and asked her where I could find stuff to clean my contacts.  She walked me over to the section and showed me the area and pulled off a box from the shelf.  I pointed to the product that I normally get, which looked like the Japanese equivalent to what I bought on base, Optifree and Renu, and asked her “Onagi desuka?” (Is this the same?) She nodded and said yes, so I grabbed the box and took it to the counter.  

I was mystefied by the special case, which had two place holders for the contacts, but attributed it to some Japanese thing.  I followed the picture directions on the side (since everthing was in Japanese)  and went to bed.

The next morning I went downstairs to put on my contacts.  I took the contacts out and put one in my eye, so far so good.  I took the other one and noticed it was kind of dry so I took the bottle and filled it with what I thought was contact solution. 

It. was. not.

A second later my eye felt like this happened to it. I basically shouted the only name that could help anyone in that kind of situation, “Jeeeeessuuuuuuuuuus!” And proceeded to rinse my eye out with water. 

I had like 15 minutes until I needed to go to work so I grabbed my glasses and left the house. At school my eyes were red and raw, so after about 3 hours of this, I did something you are not supposed to do, I googled my symptoms. Actually though it was a really good thing I did, because I found the American equivalent of the product online and apparently TONS of other people had done what I had and with worse results so I felt less stupid since at least since the box I had, had only instructions that were completely in Japanese, even the inside paper was only in kanji.  (Also, I had assumed that the lady at the pharmacy was telling me the truth about this product being the same as the others I had pointed at when I had asked her about the product.)  One of the other people who this had happened to wrote this about the product, “Clear Care is currently running a national (international?) scam in which they cleverly package and sell eyeball-searing acids as contact lens solution. Sure, it looks like harmlessly sterile saline solution; and yes, it’s sold right next to safe and similarly packaged products; oh, and did I mention it’s helpfully sold in travel sizes at a dollar less than other brands? Hell, who wouldn’t buy it! (Especially if you were on vacation, in a hurry to grab something at the supermarket, and blissfully unaware of the danger that lurks within.)”

So I asked my supervisor if I could go to the eye doctor after reading online about these people who almost had lost part of their vision due to this product.  Of course its Japan, so I had to teach two classes first before they allowed me to leave (part of me is simmering that I could have lost my vision due to the fact that I had two classes to teach because clearly according to my school, my job is more important than my eyesight).  Since they wouldn’t let me leave I had to wait until 3pm because the eye doctor closes between 11am to 3pm and is not in on Thursday.  So they allowed me to use an hour of my vacation time (I didn’t even get to use my sick leave for this–even though I have 30 days of sick leave left for this year…I will never understand this system). 

Anyway, after 5 hours of pain and painkillers, and fretting over my eye vision, I was allowed to go to the hospital an hour before work was over. Because I had an eye infection the week before, the hospital staff thought I was there to get that checked out, but I was like umm, no I accidentally put this product in my eye and held it up.  One of the nurses had a shocked look on her face and was like, “Can you seeeeee?” 

I was like, oh great, that is always a good sign, the nurse is asking me if I can still see out of my eye.  She rushed me to the examination room and I skipped a bunch of people, but I still had to wait.  So finally, about 2 hours later, I see the eye doctor.  There were about 6 nurses in the room, because I think they were all curious to see what happened to the foreigner who put contact cleaner in her eye.  The doctor examined my eye and put some medicine in it and then goes, “Almost no damage.”

I was like, Praise the Lord Jesus! Thank you GOD, I have no permanent damage.

And then the doctor goes, “Why did you put this in your eye?”

Then I was incredulous and kind of annoyed, like what the heck he did expect me to say, “Ummm, I was bored and wanted to experience what the first circle of hell would feel like in my eyeball.”

Of course NOT. I told him what happened at the store, about how I asked the lady in the store if it was the same as contact solution by pointing at the other bottles and she was said yes–and how I can’t read kanji…I mean how was I supposed to know–I had never even heard of this product’s name before.

The nurse goes, “We were all surprised you put this in your eye.”

I was like…………. “You were surprised??  I was surprised! Ohmygaaaaash! ”

Then they washed my eye out with this special cleaner thing, the only way I can describe what that was like is like, you know when you are in a carwash and there is water going over the windshield…well it was like that but on my eye.  It was…an experience. 

So then they wanted to teach me how to use this eye cleaner thing, and I was like ummm what! I do not ever want to see this product ever again, and one of the ladies was hestitant, and I was like OMGEE– THROW IT AWAY.    Only I didn’t say that in Japanese, because I didn’t want to offend her. 

 Anyway, the doctor gave me two eye drop medicines to use for the next two weeks and I have learned my lesson…before you ever buy any products in Japan for your eye make sure you use a translator or you are an expert at reading kanji.

JUST when I thought I had seen it all, this week’s weather brought my first sighting of snowphooning.  What is “snowphooning” you ask?  It is basically a mixture of snow and typhoon winds.  Whenever someone complains to me about how the winter here that has lasted 6 months, my most repeated response to this is, (well firstly its “Duh” but secondly it’s) “I have no expectations anymore for the weather here in the Blue Forest.”  This place does whatever it wants, and to be frank, I believe with all my heart that the Blue Forest has simply forgotten how to become spring.  I honestly think it just doesn’t know how to do change anymore.  In fact, my bet is that we will go straight to summer.

A couple nights ago Lt. Dan was supposed to have a pizza making party, which I had been looking forward to not because of the pizza, but actually I really just wanted human interaction.  If I don’t have human interaction I start doing strange things like putting lipstick on my cat, which is what I ended up doing.  I took it off of course soon after, I certainly don’t want PETA coming after me.  Normally, I traipse around town with  Princess No. 2, (although our traipsing doesn’t usually last very long since we can basically walk through town in a matter of ten minutes) but since she  is on a magical journey right now to the land of Pyramids, I am arone at present.  So Lt. Dan cancelled because no one could make it, actually I think no one wanted to come, except me, so in the end it didn’t happen.  I will not miss not having people around. 

It is genuinely sad that I only really have one friend in town.  No way, you say, Blue Forest Princess, you are so funny, and cool and charming!  You must have tons of friends! Well, let me tell you, while yes,  those things are true, we seem to be the only young people in our town of 10,000.  Everyone else is a grandma, parent or child. Once when we were at Princess No.2’s house ,her doorbell rang and we both looked at each other and were like, ummm Who could THAT be? Everyone we know is in this room (me and her).  

Since pizza got cancelled, I emailed Wants-to-be-a-Redhead in the next town over, to see if she wanted to do dinner.  She replied in the positive and so we went out to an izakaya where I accidentally ordered deep-fried cartilage as my first item.  I didn’t realize they had changed the menu at first and just pointed to what I thought was karaage. Well, it wasn’t.  I mean I still ate around it, because the Chinese side of me didn’t want to waste it, but honestly how many people do you know when they hear about cartilage, go, “Mmmmm, cartilaaaaage…” and then drool?

Another thing I will not miss is how in the Blue Forest people go through your garbage.  I am not even kidding about this. I have no idea why or how this became socially acceptable, but I actually had a lady come to my door when I first got here to tell me that I couldn’t put plastic bottles in my trash.  I know she was trying to be kind, but why the heck was she going through my garbage?  The only people who go through people’s garbages in Freeland are psycho stalkers and homeless people looking for something to eat.  This situation also happened to Princess No. 2.  A neighbor called her work to tell on her that she wasn’t putting her PET bottles in the right garbage.  Instead of asking her neighbor why they were rummaging through their employee’s garbage, they gave Princess No. 2 a lecture.   I think people do not have enough things to do in my town, clearly if they have spare time to go through people’s refuse.

I will also not miss having so much free time at work.  At the moment there are no classes to teach and all the students are on spring break so I really wish I could read a novel at my desk.  It is so not fair how all the old men in my office are allowed to nod off (not to mention SNORE) at their desks, but if I read a book I will probably get frowned upon.  Such a double standard.  I am not going to miss this unfairness. 

Now, in Freeland, you could just make your own work, however that is not necessarily the case here, there are just too many cultural complications asking for work here or trying to create work for yourself to do, which I will not get into at present because it would take too long.  But the need to be productive is overtaking my soul.  Yesterday, I spent the day helping Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick with her essay for school.    

Here is what that conversation looked like:

Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick: sooo do you think the thesis i have now is better?
me: I think it doesn’t matter as long as you can support your argument with sound reasoning and good examples
Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick : okay…im so bad  im watching inception…im suppose to be writing a paper
and im watching a movie lol
me: isn’t your  paper on Time Management and Personal Responsibility…ironic
Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick: I KNOW LOL..I’m going for a run.  Will you be on later to help me edit?

HOURS LATER

Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick : you there?
me: yeeees
Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick : okay i am going to send you something that i wrote
 i rewrote everything…not even sure what my thesis is.. lol
me: hahaha

After this amazing conversation, she sent me about 10 sentences.  None of it made any sense, so I helped her organize her previous ideas.  She was kind of freaking out though anyway:

Glamorous-Vietnamese-Chick : just sent it… this is my 4th rough draft and every time I have to change it!!!!!!!!
Im so done with this
me: okay im gonna walk you through just relax and clear your brain out for a few minutes
Glamourous-Vietnamese-Chick :i wish i can  i dont have the time  i have to work in 8 hours!!! and I have class right after work
me: 8 hours is plenty of time to write a paper
 Glamourous-Vietnamese-Chick :I have 8 hours before I have to work a 9 hour day and then have class for 5 hours after that
  ???
  youre telling me that I cant sleep???
 me: its just a rough draft right lol you need to calm down
 Glamourous-Vietnamese-Chick :im so (censored). UGHHH!!!!!

This whole conversation was actually very nostalgic, since 10 years ago, when we were in college together this is exactly how our conversations were then as well.

Anyhow, back to the other things….SO. I will not miss being stared at every single place I go, like I am a freaking celebrity…I miss anonymity.  I seriously do.  I just want to walk into a store and not have someone crane their neck to watch me pass by and end up tripping, falling…or running into a wall.  Seriously, I am hazardous to the health of people here.

On a more positive note, I will most certainly miss the good friends I have made while I am here and also the sushi.  Okay, one of my pet peeves is when Americans act like sushi snobs or when people loudly declare in a Japanese restaurant in America, “Omgee-the sushi in JAPAN is so much better!” 

While I have discovered that however this is the truth, Japanese sushi IS much better, somebody please, oh please, intervene and slap me in the face, if I ever become one of those  people. This also, sorry for its randomness, but since we have already gone down the rabbit trail, this kind of pretentiousness reminds me of New York Times writer’s bombastic use of the word ‘vitriolic’.  They seem to be obsessed with this word, its in almost every article you read these days, like, UGH, come one, seriously people find another pretentious word to use. I’m sure you can find one- you people are supposed to be word gurus!  There has got to be a Dickens among you somewhere.

By the way did I mention I am leaving(?), but I think you figured that out already you smart person you.

So amazingly, impossibly, incredibly YES it is still snowing here.  We have had about three good white outs (and by white outs I mean straight up snow storm blizzard attacks where you can’t see anything but your own hand in front of your face and maybe the car in front of you if you are driving) in the past two weeks.  Last year, the winter did not last this long, so I sometimes feel like I am trapped in Narnia and Aslan has not returned…or Game of Thrones…and whatever happens there for it to become spring hasn’t happened yet .  What does one do in the Blue Forest during the winter? The answer:not much, except for survive earthquakes and pass away the time watching television shows.  

Okay so last night, Wants-to-be-a-Red Head downloaded the Starvation Contests and since there is absolutely nothing else to do out here I came over and we made spaghetti and started watching it (the movie not the spaghetti).   While we were watching,  Wants-to-be-a-Redhead sent the Starvation Contests file to Sassy-Australian-Fancy-Pants via skype. So about midway through the movie, the earthquake alarms on both our phones went off, and I was kind of surprised more than anything, because during the last earthquake which was a pretty big one, my phone didn’t go off at all (even though it was supposed to).    But then I was like oh crappppp–because when your phone alarm here goes off for earthquakes, it usually means legit earthquake business, because the alarms don’t ever go off for the little shakes or the shakes you don’t need to take cover for.

Anyway, Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head got up and ran around the room for about 20 seconds, she somewhat resembled a chicken with her head cut off, or like remember when you were in P.E. in junior high and they made you run laps around a track over and over again for no reason other than for the sake of physical education? Well, she kind of looked like that for the briefest of moments.  I headed to the door at first, but then decided that probably wasn’t best idea because I remembered that Red-Head’s winding stairs was covered in ice, and I figured it was probably more likely that we would slip and injure ourselves trying to get down.  

I made a quick decision and ordered Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head to get under her table after she started wailing, “What do I dooo? Where do I gooooo?” (She claims I threw her under the table, but I don’t remember doing that-if anything I would call it “ushering”).  Anyway, I crawled next to her and patted her back and prayed as we looked up earthquakes on the internet during the shaking to try to see where exactly it hit.  The power was still intact, so I felt we were in pretty good shape, even though the shake was a fairly strong one. Finally it stopped and we emerged from under the table to see the tea that I had been drinking had spilt everywhere (certainly a waste of a good cup of Lady Grey, if I ever saw one- my British friends in London would have been horrified from the liquid carnage–seriously it looked like my tea had committed suicide).   

Anyhow, after the earthquake hit and while I was still there a few people contacted Red-Head to see if she was alright, even Tall Twin had called:

Tall Twin: Hi Wants-to-be-a-Redhead are you okay?

Wants-to-be-a-Redhead: Yeah, I’m fine.  Blue Forest Princess is here with me, and she pushed me under a table.

Me: What the heck I can’t believe even Tall Twin has called to check on you, but no one has texted or called me to see if I am alright.  (Tall Twin and Wants-to-be-a-Redhead continued their conversation during my muttering, so I didn’t hear what else they talked about until:)

Wants-to-be-a-Redhead: Tall Twin said he could hear you complaining. Okay, bye!  

Tall Twin: Bye!

For a few minutes, I waited to see if anyone would contact me, however I came to realize that no one had checked to see if I was still arive (alive)….this concerned me so I posted something on facebook about it and recieved a slew of different comments regarding my wefare, the reactions of people were rather interesting:

BlueForestPrincess status: what the flip….two people checked on Wants-to-be-a-RedHead just now right after the earthquake while i with her but does anyone call me…Noooooo

Comments:

Snarky Russian Dude: actions don’t lie 

(my thought: okay what the heck is that supposed to mean?)

Mini-Me: Are you ok BlueForestPrincess?

Me: awww thank you Mini-me and NOBODY else 

(my thought: Mini-me happens to be a junior high student and very kind person–how sad is it that a junior higher is the first person to check on me??)

Princess No1 (in Korea): Let the record show that I checked on you…well, we were already chatting while it happened. Also, I checked on you during the BIG earthquake…although you didn’t know that because our phones were out of order for three days. But it was the thought that counted.

Hawaiian Boy Twin: I don’t have your phone number! That one was pretty darn strong though huh.

(my thought: the funny person part of me totally wanted to make an inappropriate joke here like ohhh- ‘that is pretty sly way of asking for my phone number ^_~ hahaha’–but then thought maybe he would take that comment the wrong way, so I refrained.)

Looks-Really-Young-Mom (Mini-Me’s mom): I saw you post about your tea, so I knew you were okay–I did think about you and was wondering how it felt in your area.

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants: HEY I SENT YOU BOTH A SKYPE MESSAGE!

Me: Yeah because of YOUR SICKNESS….you just wanted to make sure your Starvation Contests file was still downloading!!!

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants:  not really, i thought about you guys first

Me: Noo..I have the conversation to prove it:

Skype convo:

     [8:15:38 PM] Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants: all i was thinking was “oh sh*t dont go offline dont go offline i need my starvation contests download”…priorities right

     Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head: oh geeez

     Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head:you are sick

     Wants-to-be-a-Red-Head: lol

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants:hey now, dont repost my messages

(my thought: hmmm..hope she doesn’ read my blog- seriously Australian Fancy Pants is scary–she could probably beat me up pretty easily)

Old-School-Friend-in-Haiti: What if the first time I hear about the earthquake is when a friend of mine complains about a lack of immediate attention? … anyway, are you ok Blue Forest Princess???

Sassy Australian Fancy-Pants: GEEK ALERT! and you call me the nerd!

Me: You are a nerd.

Love-to-Wear-Kimono: I just felt little rumbles and didn’t know there was a big one until scrolling through posts. Gomen ne… I don’t even know how big it was.

My First Japanese Friend: BlueForest-san, i’m worried abt you too. be careful, i heard there may be some afterquakes.

Looks-Like Me’s Mom: If you had a Japanese boy friend with tight pants, he would check on you.

Korean Guy who Thinks He is Gorgeous: Hey….. How you doin ??? 😉

(my thought: seriously?)

Concerned Cousin: Another quake? Good grief! Does it ever stop? You better come home BFS.

Hot Single Black Girl Poet: I hope you’re ok, sadly its like my bed time here in the Emerald City and I go to sleep and everything is ok BUT when I wake up and hear about disasters! yikes ! I hope your feeling somewhat better.

So, okay I suppose I should amend the title of my post to be ” How Nobody Cares About Me (Earthquake Reactions) Until I Post a Complaint About it on Facebook and the Overeating Games” but to be honest…that is really just too wordy.  

After the movie and earthquake I went home to find my cat was in an especially cuddly mood, in fact last night he literally slept on my face and was purring so loudly he woke me up.  And then we both got woken up by thunder and lightning around 5:12…in the MORNING…UGH…I swear Blue Forest…sometimes you try my patience…

Anyhoooo, in other news I have decided to write a book called the Overeating Games. I also posted about this on facebook book and also received a myriad of responses.

BFP FBstatus: I’m going to write a book called the “Overeating Games”.

Ventian: hahahaha

me: in my book people force feed each other to eat. The Cornucopia is real and the Arena resembles the set of Top Chef

Old School Friend in Haiti: For some reason I think you’re joking

Me: nothing gets by you

Nova Scotia Boy: Can I be one of the characters? 

Hot Black Single Poet Girl: the pounds be ever in your favor ? Har har (liked)

Me: I don’t know… Nova Scotia Boy can you stand gaining lots of weight…you are pretty skinny

Nova Scotia Boy: The nice thing about being a character is that anything that happens to you is fictional… like in dreams, only more readable and hopefully more logical.

Me: Yea, but my books actually turn into reality…so I dont know if you are prepared for that…and this book will be anything from readable and logical in fact I am mirroring the HG’s own methods in these respects, so my books will be just as successful

So, okay…for those of you who aren’t quite caught up, about a month ago a Japanese coworker of mine asked me out. I politely declined and told him that I usually hang out with boys in groups and not really one-on-one most of the time.  To make sure I wasn’t crazy or just making too much out of the invitation, I plucked the minds of my Japanese girlfriends to see what their opinion was.  I kept thinking, maybe he just wanted to hang out, and I got it wrong. (?)

Here’s a quick sample of one of those conversations, but they all pretty much said the same thing.

Friendly-sensei: “So, he wanted to go skiing with you for a day?”

Me: “Hai.”

Friendly-sensei: “Just you and him?”

Me: “Hai.”

Friendly-sensei: “Ummm..,Yeah…we don’t really do that. It sounds to me like an official first date.”

So last week, I had my monthly visitation to the school where he works at.  We hadn’t seen each other since before he had asked me out via email, so I wasn’t exactly looking forward to this visitation, which is a real shame, because I really like this school, well I USED to anyway. So, the day before my visitation he emails me an apology for asking me out along with the lesson plan like 10 minutes before I am off of work.   He usually sends me the lesson plan at least a day or two beforehand, not so last minute.

I show up at school the next day, and go into the special room they designated for the ALT.   Instead of coming to lurk around my desk and try to talk to me, for hours (which is what he usually does when I come to visit) he mysteriously doesn’t show up until much later.  I think its because because he is probably a little embarrassed to see me after I had declined the ski trip invitation.  Anyway, he shows up right before class starts which a copy of his email in hand, which contains the apology and the lesson plan.   He places the paper on the desk and pushes the email to me to make sure I can see the place where he apologized.  I really am not certain what he expects me to say,  it was like I could feel his awkwardness oozing my way, but I try to cover up for him, and so I just pretend that nothing happened.   Denial is always a good way of dealing with awkward situations.  So I smile and carry on, we have our lessons, and I think that is the end of it.

WRONG.   WRONG.   WRONG. 

First off, I should not have told him that I hang out in groups.  Because I guess he mistakenly thought this was an opportunity for him to  invite himself to hang out with me in my group of friends.  Secondly, I should have told him directly, “I am sorry, but I am not interested.” Thirdly, I should not have smiled at him. EVER. Why should I have done all these things?  WHY you ask?

Because he freaking emailed me AGAIN to hang out.  Omgash…I thought we were clear!  I mean, he even apologized to me for asking me out!   I was feeling bad for him before, but now I am just getting annoyed.  Okay, Mr. Coworker, I really didn’t want to do this. I feel you are  is pushing me into a direction I do not want to go.  I am gonna have to go Puerto Rican on you.

me:   omgeee so my coworker asked me out again UGH
Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahahaha
me: reave me aroooonnneee
Puerto-Rican-Twin: Wait. How did he ask you out?
me: email
Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahahaha…So what did his email say this time?
me: well the thing that bothers me is not what he said, but the fact that he is still pushing to hang out with me after I told him no indirectly TWICE and he sent me an apology email for asking me out
Puerto-Rican-Twin: lol You need to be straight but polite
me: i cannot believe he has asked me out again…its like he forgot what happened well I was nice about it, and I dont think he gets it ..geez…I am gonna have to bust out the Puerto Rican if he doesnt stop bothering me

Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahahaha

Okay, so when I was living in London for school, there were multiple times I had to go all Puerto Rican and yell at boys to leave me alone.   I remember once I was walking back to my dorm at night and this car zoomed up next to me stopped, and rolled the window and and this guy started to solicit me.  I was not wearing any revealing clothes, just normal graduate student apparel, so I started yelling at him to “P*ss off!” And he zoomed away realizing that I meant business.   Also once I was at the crosswalk near Camden Market and someone pinched my bottom.  No lie, I turned around with fiery darts in  my eyes and eyeballed the first guy I thought it could have been angle wise.  I shot lasers of fire from my eyes at him, and was about to say something but then he finally looked over at me and said sheepishly, “I’m sorry.” 

In the Western world, I think this kind of behavior is acceptable for women, but I don’t think that would go over so well here in Japan.  Not that my coworker has tried to do any of these kinds of things to me, but it is so much harder to get rid of him.  It’s sort of like playing Whack-A-Mole.  Like he comes up and I hit him, and he goes down, and then comes up again later and tries to ask me out once more.

 Last night I was watching FRIENDS and passed out on my bed, and then at one point my doorbell rang.  I woke up really confused, and look to see the clock is like 9:12pm. The doorbell rings again, and I hear a car running outside my door. I am a hot mess, and in my PJs, there is no way I am going to answer my door.  Plus, its rude to come over to someone’s house so late, in my opinion, without calling or at least facebooking that person. 

 Then the thought occurs to me, OMGSH what if I have a stalker??? Having a stalker if you are foreign is not uncommon in Japan, unfortunately, and a couple of my friends here even in rural areas have had legit stalkers.  So I wait until they leave to walk downstairs and bolt my door.   I mean its 9pm, even the postman doesn’t come over that late.  And anyone who knows me, would text or call me.  There is a slight chance that it may be a Jehovah’s Witness (yes, we even have them in the middle of nowhere Japan), but I have been told they usually come on the weekend. It’s only when I am upstairs that I think it might be a good idea to sleep with a knife under my pillow.    Anyway though I am too lazy to go back downstairs so I look around my room to see what I have.  I decide the best weapons I have in my room are:

Weapon Number One: Candle Lighter.  Easy to access, not dangerous to sleep with as there is a safety lock on it.  And it’s fire, very lethal and effective.

Weapon Number Two: Sewing Scissors. Small, but very effective.  I have almost cut myself with them before and it was not pleasant.

Weapon Number Three: Sewing Needles. Will go for the intruder’s eye.  Or other equally vulnerable part.

Maybe I am over reacting, in all likelihood it was probably my cable company wondering why I haven’t paid my bill yet, or NTT asking me for a donation for their public access channel, even though I don’t watch my tv. EVER.  I don’t even have internet at my house. 

Plus, I don’t think stalkers ring your doorbell.  They usually lurk in your window while you are doing your dishes.  This happened to my friend The Beast who lives in another prefecture now.  But for the past 5 years he had a stalker in the Blue Forest who would show up everywhere he was and constantly creep around his house spying at him through his windows.  After about 5 years of this she showed up at his door one day, (hmm, maybe stalkers do knock/ring the doorbell sometimes) and he had finally had it. 

“I told you NEVER TO COME HERE!!!” It was just like the voice Beast used in Beauty and the Beast when he got mad that Belle had went into the West Wing and he got really angry and yelled at her to get out.  Except for the Beauty in this story was actually a Middle-Aged Stalker Lady from rural Japan.

The Beast told me that the next Monday at school the students were practicing their English asking each other what they did over the weekend, and one of his students said, “This weekend I heard Beast-sensei yell really loud in the neighborhood.”

That was the last time he saw her.

Maybe that is what Princess #2 should do.  Because for the past couple weeks this one guy in his 30s keeps coming over to her house, the first time when she was sick and she was in her PJs and he just opened the door to her house and walked in and started feeling her forehead.  He said he was sent by the water company to check some meters in her house, but he came back again and just barged in.  In any event,  that is still weird behavior and it is rude to just walk into someone’s house without asking or without warning no matter what country you are from.

Plans for The Capture

Coming up with a plan for The Capture is much harder than I thought.  First off, there aren’t a lot of Manly Boys Who Don’t Wear Skinny Jeans And Love Jesus for me to Capture in this world (especially in the Blue Forest of Japan..in fact I think I have hit the jackpot for living in a place known for the very opposite, that is, a place filled with Effeminate Boys who Wear Skinny Jeans (and sometimes make up) and Don’t Love Jesus and also because even if I was in America a lot of Boys Who Love Jesus Wear Skinny Jeans these days…case in point once my friends Travels-A-Lot-Girl, B-Baller-Boy and I went to Nordstroms because B-Baller-Boy wanted to try some Sevens Jeans on…Travels-A-Lot-Girl and I waited in the Men’s Department on the Couch and started watching the football game…B-Baller-Boy came out and asked us how we thought his pants looked…while keeping our eyes on the tv screen we said the pants looked good…he bought the pants…)

Plans Considered:
 
Plan A: Physical Capture.
 
Thoughts: When I came up with the idea for The Capture, of course the image that flashed that immediately through my mind included one of those traps that is basically a giant box with nothing but a stick holding it up attached to a string.  I would have to put various that would attract the type of Boy I like, such as a Bible and a giant steak and a pair of big jeans…and basically I would wait in the bushes and hope for the best, pull the string, and thus Capture the Boy. Or I could use a giant cage, like in the game Mouse Trap (anyone remember that game? So fun!)  But after thinking this through, a whole bunch of logistical problems came up in my head, like…where could I even place this trap?  I certainly can’t put it in the Forest near my house, after all there are no boys of any kind around.  I couldn’t place it in town, because that is probably illegal. Anyway, even if it worked and I caught said Manly Boy who Doesn’t Wear Skinny Jeans and Loves Jesus I don’t think that he would be induced to stay after he realized that Captured him by trickery. I mean, I couldn’t even physically hold him there, remember I can’t even open the pickle jar at my house (#9), how am I supposed to hold said Boy down.
 
Conclusion: Will definitely not work. No, this contraption to capture must be one that purely takes place of the mind of the Boy to be Captured. I think this is where the term “feminine wiles” comes into play.
 
Plan B: Using my Feminine Wiles
 
Thoughts: So I suppose I could bust out my feminine wiles.   I mean, books and movies are always talking about how a woman charms a man with her “feminine wiles”, but never really explain what these are.  I am assuming that probably this is something akin to flirting (or maybe pheromones? I’m not really sure…) I imagine…although I don’t really flirt, like Ever. It’s not that I don’t know (I think, jeez…) how but for some reason I can only see Plan B as going horribly wrong. Plus, I think that when people flirt most of the time its just ends up looking really cheesy…or disasterous (btw…speaking of flirting disasters: WATCH THIS)…Okay, out of curiousity I looked up the word “wiles” and it simply means to trick, so this is actually not really a way to achieve my goal, its actually my goal itself which means that its not really a plan at all.
 
Conclusion: Potential Cheesy or Disasterous Results to follow, also “Wiles” definition not actual plan=Ex-Nay.
 
Plan C: Food.
 
Thoughts: I asked Puerto-Rican-Twin for some advice on how to capture a Boy and she suggested tabemono:
 
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  Lure them with food.I was quite surprised by this. But apparently the two most important developments with my boyfriend in our relationship was with food
me:  i was gonna put steak in the trap.
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  He started thinking I was nice and cute after I cooked him a steak when we were friends…And when he got sick and I walked all the way to his place to give him pasta, he said that was the moment he fell in love with me
me:  that is going to be my Plan C
Puerot-Rican-Twin:  hahahaha
me:  what can i cook though
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  So yes. The way to a mans heart is definitely his stomach
me:  i dont have anyone i like right now though..dang it..so i cant cook any food
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  I think anything is fine by them. They like the thought behind it.But Steak is definitely a safe bet unless they are vegetarian
me:  maybe once I trap them first in the giant cage..then i can cook for them
 
Conclusion: Has potential.
 
 
Plan D: Becoming More Like a Boy.
 
Thoughts: Sounds so smart and psychologically-pants doesn’t it? I mean it worked for Amanda Bynes didn’t it?…To get a Boy, I need to think like one.  I am pretty certain that if Sun Tzu wrote a book on The Art of Capturing a Boy Who Doesn’t Wear Skinny Jeans and Loves Jesus, this would definitely be one of the chapter headings.
 
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  okay another trap. Depending on the guy….videogames
me:  oh thats right, boys really like videogames
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  yea. I got into videogames because of mine and now I am like his wingman in games
me:  hahaha..but i only like tetris and words with friends
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  Well he is mine actually because I am better then he is
me:  and wwf isnt even a video game..i dont think…
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  You have to expand your scope a bit
me:  hmmm i used to play mario and duck hunt…when i was like 5years old..i would totally cheat and walk up to the
screen though in duck hunt
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  hahahaha. Well here is my experience…First I played against a bunch of guys super smash brothers. I immediately gained some respect from that
me:  well what if i ending up sucking…then they wouldn’t be impressed at all
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  But with my bf and his friends I played Modern Warfare 2 or Battlefield. I am considered now the cool gf
me:  hmm..i think I would train for like a year first…maybe while the Boy is in his cage
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  I sucked at first too..oh man. I couldnt kill anyone in those games…Trust me it doesnt matter how you start it matters that you show interest in what they like
me:  hmm..i dont really like playing video games that much though…i know thats how Hermit Boy and Hermit Girl in the Third Gate met though working at a video game store
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  hahaha really?
me:  lol yes…and now they are married…maybe that is my problem…i dont play enough video games
Puerto-Rican-Twin:  hahahaha…You just need to step into the guys world a little bit to make them happy..I talk with my bf about all kinds of stuff. Videogames, sports, etc.
me: I I’m not very into sports either…dang…this is harder than i thought
 Puerto-Rican-Twin:  I think its cause the guy doesnt want to step into the girls world…Its easier for a girl to step into a guys world and still remain a girl in others eyes. Not so much for guys.
me:  that is interesting…and very true i think…i think i am just too girly…so basically…i have to become more like a boy
to get a boy..hmm..that does make a lot of sense actually
 
Conclusion: Has potential, but not possible for my girly self to achieve.
 
Plan E: How to Be Obvious Without Being Obvious
 
Princess #2 suggested Plan E.
 
me: hey…help me with my blog what’s the best way to Capture a boy
Princess #2: food.
me: that is Plan C
Princess #2: set a trap like in a old bugs bunny cartoon
me: Plan A
Princess #2: put a plate of food under a box
me: lol
Princess #2: with a string tied to a stick..  or maybe put an xbox under the there…an xbox in a box
me: well Video games falls under Plan D… i dont think there are any other ways… i mean i cant think of any
Princess #2: i trick guys into asking me out on dates
me: lol how..I sense a potential Plan E
Princess #2: lol okay so when was in college, had just broken up with my ex, i was single for the first time in years and i was like, i want to go out on dates so when i would talk to guys at parties or whatever, if they said something like “i like sushi” i would be like, “i LOVE sushi, i really wanted to go the other day but my friends were all busy, i’ve been like craving it” and they would be like….ummmmm i could take you?…maybe and i would be like yea! let’s do it and they’d be like, yea…yea let’s do it!…guys are like complete babies about asking girls out
me: that is true hmm…you would have been a good guy Princess #2
Princess #2: you basically just have to make it totally obvious that you want to do something, and if you have a friendly enough personality they are going to think, hey, she probably wouldn’t mind doing this with me…it’s like, how to be obvious without being obvious..
do you think i could come to the movie tonight?
are you seeing beauty and the beast?
me: LOL
..oh wait you are serious.. I thought you were giving me an example.
 
Conclusion: Will have to run some tests on this later.
 
 

…If Jane Austen was to write a novel about my family, I think it would start with something like, “IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman of the Blue Forest Princess’s family must be in want of a submissive husband.”

I love my family I really do, but the girls in my family, how should I say this…rule-the-roost? Wear-the-pants? The Bossy-Pants? The-Don’t-let-the-boys-in-our-family-have-much-of-a-say-ever-not-even-if-we-lived-in-a-post-apocalypse-and-were-dependent-on-men-for-survival-Pants? My extended and immediate family is basically a self-proclaimed matriarchy where women are loud and declarative and the boys are quiet and relatively submissive.

My cousin and her fiance are a clear example of this. But first let me describe my cousin’s personality…it is sort of  a mixture between the playful and bossy.  Hm..how else can I explain it? I think a quick example needs to be employed:

During college at some party in California, my cousin met Nick Carter and jokingly called him a D-Bag (I don’t know why she thought this would be funny, but anyways)…he got really mad said to her “You are disinvited to my party…but your friend can still come.”  To which she scoffed at and left with her friends in tow declaring none of them would want to go to his party after making a junior high statement like that.   (I know this story was kind of random, but it always amuses me.)

Anyhoo, my soon-to-be-cousin-in-law is a nice guy, you could classify him as the silent type.  He happily puts up with my cousin who mostly bosses him around and makes him do various things for her, like massage her and drive her places. This arrangement however seems to be working out well for the both of them, and it seems that he really doesn’t mind being her love slave.

This type of behavior can also be seen in my mom and dad’s relationship.  In fact, when she is especially grumpy sometimes she will come home from work and turn her nose up at whatever my dad has made for dinner (I should also mention, the boys cook in my family, not the girls.) She will throw her purse down on the table and declare, “What is this? I don’t want to eat this!” 

Also, quick story, the other day my mom told me via Skype that she came home and could smell kalbi (Korean BBQ) wafting through the house but when she went into the kitchen no one was there and no food was there.  Her response to this was to immediately get on the phone:

Dad: Hello?

Mom *eyes narrowing*: Where are you?

Dad: At Anthony’s (my cousin’s) watching the superbowl.

Mom: (silent pause.)  You better come home. And if you don’t bring the kalbi with you, don’t bother coming home.

My dad came home with kalbi less than an hour later.

My aunt, my mom’s middle sister, who is not married and does not have a man to boss around, manages to display these charming snippets of regality to other people instead.  I remember once we were at the movies and she called the Clerk at the snack counter a not very nice name for not putting butter on her popcorn when she asked him to.  Also, once when this same aunt had an allergic reaction to her cancer medicine, I found her butt naked sitting on my bed, refusing to put the clothes on that I gave her.  I asked her what was wrong she said that she was fine, but I felt her head and it was blazing hot with fever. So, I woke up my other aunt who told me to get her some clothes and she would drive her to the hospital.  I went into her room to get her underwear and a tshirt and pants, and came back into my room.  I handed her the underwear to put on, and she grabbed it from me then declared regally, “I don’t want THESE!” Flung it very dramatically across the room and proceeded to make me get her a different pair.  (At the hospital the next day, she told us she did not recollect doing this, however.)

Going through some historical documents regarding my family, I have discovered why the women in my family are so bossy.  Apparently, we are genetically predisposed to it.  Why is this?  Here’s a hint: my favorite color is purple.  I read a book once where the author said that people “who love the color purple have delusions of grandeur”.  Well, in my case it turns out that I am only semi-delusional.

I’ve only told a couple people this since its really not that big a deal since the Hawaiian Kingdom doesn’t exist anymore, but some of my mom’s women ancestors were in fact, Hawaiian royalty. My dad’s side, on the other hand, is filled with Hispanic/Puerto Ricans immigrants who crossed the Pacific to live on a remote island for unknown reasons… I can’t prove this, but I am pretty certain those ancestors quite possibly could have been criminals or thieves.

Although they were probably really hot criminals or thieves who could dance the salsa really well (the Spanish side of my family is really good looking and musically inclined, in fact, one of  my cousins was a legit beauty queen back in the day for the state of Washington), which basically makes me half royal and half hot thief.  I knew there was a reason for my desire to always wanting to be carried around by a litter and never wanting to personally clean anything in my house.  Although, I gotta admit that I have never wanted to STEAL anything from anyone, (thank GOD), despite my dream of being in Prison Break with Wentworth Miller….although I am not a bad salsa dancer if I do say so myself… 😉

Anyway, this whole nobility thing starts with this one adventurous Sea Captain British Ancestor Guy on my mom’s side who sailed to the Islands of Hawaii almost 200 years ago.  Apparently this British Ancestor Guy of mine was a major charmer, and was given two Hawaiian-Tahitian wives (who were sisters-major Eww-factor, I know..you don’t need to tell me…people did weird things back in the day).

(Interesting, side note, this ‘charming’ British ancestor of mine at some point, left his two Hawaiian-Tahitian wives and children and went back to England got married (AGAIN) to an English lady.  Fast forward to when his children were preteens living with their mom in Hawaii and suddenly Captain British Ancestor Guy shows up in Hawaii with his new English Bride and wants to take his hapa children back to London, ‘for a proper British education’, (he apparently like bossing people around as well) but this Hawaiian woman ancestor refused and the Captain British Ancestor Guy promptly returned to England.)

Anyway, only this one sister had children, she had two boys. One of these boys married into ali’i, that is Hawaiian Royalty, a woman to whom my real name is attributed.  Anyhow, this woman and her family lived at the Palace as retainers in court during the reign of King Kalakaua and was the last reigning Governess of Hawai’i before its annexation by the United States.   Her office was abolished in 1887.  While this reign is officially over, I think the women in my family still like to pretend that they still rule.  Although, since they can’t boss anyone around anymore now that the US has taken over, they have to be content bossing their romantic subjects around instead.

This concerns me, because despite the accusations of my friend Korean-Guy-Who-Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous, I do not think I am really a super-strong-intense-passionate-bossy woman…well at least not compared to my bossy female relative counterparts…Wait a second….

Oh.

My.

GAH.

I just had a revelation.

Maybe in actuality, I really am this bossy.

OH SCHNAPS! HOW could I never have seen this?!!  It’s genetic, inevitable!

It totally makes since as to why I am still single.  I mean think about it, all my girl relatives are married to Push-Over Guys who like Bossy Women.  And I am not attracted to Push-Over Guys. I tend to like boys are are manly and don’t wear skinny jeans and are somewhat boisterous.  But those kind of Non-Wearing Skinny Jeaned Manly Boys usually don’t go for Bossy Women. They usually go for girls who do not boss them around…they go for Sweet Heart Princess-Pantses.   Crap!…What I am gonna do?

Must.come.up.with.solution. QUICK!…*thinking thinking thinking*

Got it!

I have a Plan. I will trick one Non-Wearing Skinny Jeaned Manly Boy to fall in love with me…I am going to call it: The Capture.

Since I made a list of things I <3, I figured its only fair to balance it out with a good list of things that irk me to no end…there aren’t really many of them, but I thought I would just list them out anyway.

1. When People Leave Trash in My Car.  Okay, so I feel that this is so inconsiderate, even though I leave my own trash in my car, doesn’t mean that you get to leave your trash.  I think this is a really rude thing to do.  Let me be clear-I am a slob, just not a slob at other people’s houses or in other people’s cars. When I go over to someone’s house I don’t eat a burger and leave the wrappings on my friend’s floor.  (Also, I hate when people litter.  Littering is bad, don’t do it people!!!)

2. When a certain someone puts GUM on things in my room and then laughs about it because he thinks its funny.

3. When my School Tells me Last Minute that I Have to Work on Saturday or on Easter Sunday. (Even though my contract CLEARLY states that I am not supposed to work weekends.  This is a contract people, HELLO?  it’s the one YOU drew up and the one I signed, you are clearly not upholding your part of your contract, even though I am holding up mine…not cool…Also the Easter Sunday thing did happen and they made me take a vacation day for it.)  

4. When Boys are Condescending Because You are a Girl or Minority or Both.  I kind of think that this one goes together with boys being insecure about themselves or being intimidated by girls, esp. minority girls, when they appear smarter than said boys. I remember once I was at a party and, this guy who we will call, Nerdy-Flirty-Accountant was there and I think I used the word like “facetious” or something, which to be honest isn’t really that smart of a word and he goes, “Thats a BIG word.” Like I am an idiot or something.

UGH.

5. When People make Generalizations About my Culture and Belittle Hawaiian people.  So, I should probably mention that I am part Hawaiian, I don’t think I have disclosed this before, but in general there is a stereotype that Hawaiians are poor and stupid and lazy, which by the way is so NOT true, the Hawaiians were doing just fine before a bunch of corporate business men decided to lock the Queen in her bedroom and threatened ethnic cleansing unless they signed the Kingdom of Hawaii to become a part of the United States.  And now people in Hawaii now make fun of this culture, that was almost decimated by the common cold and other European diseases, for wanting their kingdom back and Sovereignty but “Hey, its all good! Because we brought it Tourism and American goods! What are you complaining people? American consumerism is totally a good reason to almost destroy an entire people group and is definitely a fair exchange so stop whining about how we almost got rid of your culture…ANYways…) I don’t feel the need to discuss finances, because that is tacky I think, but I will say that I am not stupid, my GPA of an A plus average from college should speak for itself, of course I was able to achieve this by God’s grace, but I hate when people generalize that Hawaiian people are stupid.  (Also, just to clarify, I know right now my grammar is horrible and I would never write a formal paper in such a manner.) And btws, Hawaiians had a society where everyone had food and was taken care of. We also invented surfing, and navigated by the stars making several trips in the Pacific Ocean with just a canoe and some paddles.  

6. ALSO When I Can’t Check All my Ethnic Backgrounds on those Surveys Asking About Your Ethnic Background. Because I am a person of Mixed Background I usually can never check the boxes I want because I am limited to one, I find this very inconsiderate of the People who Make the Boxes for the Survey.

6. When People (esp. Boys) make Inappropriate Jokes.  (…that think they are hilarious but really aren’t that funny.) I mean the “that’s what she said” joke…its old..and sometimes people use it when it doesn’t apply, like they don’t know what it means. It seriously is an overused joke.  Maybe what I dislike about it, is its lack of originality.  

7. When Boys Wear Super Skinny Jeans.  Who thought this was attractive? I mean, what happened to men? They are like women now.  They don’t ask girls out, and they prance around wearing jeans that are skinnier than mine and spend hours flat ironing their hair.

Recent conversation at a party:

Me: My hair is so fine.

Gorgeous-Russian-Metro: Yeah, mine too, and I think my flat-iron has made it more weak.

Me:….Wait, so you use a flat-iron?

Gorgeous-Russian-Metro: Of course.

Me: Oh…well you should use this product, you can put it in before you straighten your hair.

Gorgeous-Russian-Metro (reaching for pen and paper): What is it called and where can I buy it?

This my friend, is our generation of men.  And my parents wonder why I am single. I mean, come on boys, Be a MAN already, Roll Around in the Dirt, Grow a Beard, Eat Meat that is Barely Cooked with No Utensils already….Geez.

8. When People Talk Smack About my Jesus. I know that God can defend Himself and that He is not worried about people because He is Sovereign and Mighty, but it really hurts my heart when people use His name in a disrespectful way. And to be honest, I don’t really get annoyed as much as sad, and not sad for God as much as sad for the person who doesn’t know Him, because that must be a really bad place to be in.

9. Not Having a Boy Around. When I first moved to the Blue Forest, I came home one day and a bird had flown into my house.  It was stuck on the second floor and so I went upstairs to open a window. When I opened the window a giant spider the size of my face was on the outside wall.  I immediately closed the window and went downstairs and sat on the floor and cried and prayed for Jesus’s help.  God told me to open the sliding glass door and wait. After a minute later  after praying the bird flew down the stairs from the second floor and out the open door. While I appreciate and am so thankful for Jesus’s help, I felt this would have been so much easier and less stressful if there was a boy around. Like, if I was married I could have been, “Hey Man of Mine, get this bird out of my house, and while you are at it, open this jar for me.”  I have small hands and tiny wrists for my height, so I can never open things when I am at home.  I bought a bunch of pickles the other day and I was so excited to open them and eat them, so I gleefully bounded downstairs to my kitchen and when I tried to open it, I couldn’t get the top open.  I held the jar in my lap and twisted with both hands, but all I got was sore wrists and hurting hands.  So then I tried banging it against the counter and hitting the sides with a butter knife.  Nothing has worked, and I still haven’t been able to eat my pickles. I am thinking I may have to bring this jar to one of my guy friends to open later.

10. Bad poetry. (Although sometimes bad poetry can be really funny.)

btw Less-Than-Three= <3=rabu=heart=love!!!

1. Being warm (with a light cool breeze). 

I get this question over and over again from people since living here in Japan when I comment about how hot I am during the summer, “Aren’t you from Hawaii?” Ummm…yes, and we have these incredible things called trade winds and ocean breezes (not to mention air conditioning).  Hawaii is hot, but not that kind of desserty dead hot feeling that you get when you are in Arizona, or when you are stuck in a valley in the middle of nowhere where things like air con. (and insulation for the winter) are unheard of.

2. Club Soda or Ginger Ale.  Contrary to most people who tend to order these on flights only, I love to buy these and drink them on a regular basis, sick or not.  There is something soothing about the bubbly taste, that isn’t contaminated with heaps of sugar and chemicals (like Coke), that makes me feel nice and tingly in my heart…or stomach lining.

3. Laughing.  I love laughing so much, maybe a little too much.  I have been told by more than a few people that apparently I giggle in my sleep.  Which I find to be hilarious. I mean, I guess my dreams must be really funny or something.

4. My cat’s nose. I love my cat’s nose, it is pink and a little wet, and I love when he comes close and gives me a kiss…I just- kyah! >< It is such a nice feeling, my less-than-three does a flip-flop.

5. A Room with a View by EM. Forester.  This is my favorit-est book ever. (I mean besides the Bible of course.) I mean, literature just doesn’t sound like this anymore. MODERN day drivel EAT your less-than-three out, short excerpt:

He bowed. Certainly. Good men first, violets afterwards. They proceeded briskly through the undergrowth, which became thicker and thicker. They were nearing the edge of the promontory, and the view was stealing round them, but the brown network of the bushes shattered it into countless pieces. He was occupied in his cigar, and in holding back the pliant boughs. She was rejoicing in her escape from dullness. Not a step, not a twig, was unimportant to her.

“What is that?”

There was a voice in the wood, in the distance behind them. The voice of Mr. Eager? He shrugged his shoulders. An Italian’s ignorance is sometimes more remarkable than his knowledge. She could not make him understand that perhaps they had missed the clergymen. The view was forming at last; she could discern the river, the golden plain, other hills.

“Eccolo!” he exclaimed.

At the same moment the ground gave way, and with a cry she fell out of the wood. Light and beauty enveloped her. She had fallen on to a little open terrace, which was covered with violets from end to end.

“Courage!” cried her companion, now standing some six feet above. “Courage and love.”

She did not answer. From her feet the ground sloped sharply into view, and violets ran down in rivulets and streams and cataracts, irrigating the hillside with blue, eddying round the tree stems collecting into pools in the hollows, covering the grass with spots of azure foam. But never again were they in such profusion; this terrace was the well-head, the primal source whence beauty gushed out to water the earth.

Standing at its brink, like a swimmer who prepares, was the good man. But he was not the good man that she had expected, and he was alone.

George had turned at the sound of her arrival. For a moment he contemplated her, as one who had fallen out of heaven. He saw radiant joy in her face, he saw the flowers beat against her dress in blue waves. The bushes above them closed. He stepped quickly forward and kissed her.

Books now sound like this, “Oh my gosh, that vampire is totally hot. I am in love now…My heart is beating at his cold touch…”Let’s get married.”Okay.” 

Luh-Ame.

6. The Stars and Constellations. Okay, I know that people say they love the stars, but I really love them. I love them as in I will wake up in the middle of the morning and go into my yard barefoot just to look at the sky if it is clear or if I hear there will be shooting stars in the forecast.  I have even stopped on the road (safely) while driving before just because I wanted to look at them.  One of my favorite apps is Star Walk.  I even know a few constellations by heart and my favorite star is Sirius because its the brightest star.  Sometimes, I also think how cool the Sun is, its like our very own (Earth’s) star! One day I want to buy a huge telescope and spend my nights staring up above. 

7. Mints. I love mints of almost all kinds.  They are better than brushing your teeth (haha just kidding…sort of)…I also ❤ Peppermint Patties.  My mom recently sent me a bunch of chocolates for V-Day (yes, the only person to really give me a V-day gift) and she included these Peppermint Pattie shaped hearts which were the BOMB. So gooood…I ate like three in a row then felt kinda sick, but it was totally worth it.   

8. Good and Bad metaphors. (BTW, did you know the average human uses a metaphor/simile every 10-25 words ^^v)

9. Starbucks.  Okay, it totally cracks me up when people knock Starbucks, because the people who do tend to be non-educated coffee drinkers.  Tell me, oh critics of Starbucks, what is the proper way to drink coffee? What are all the steps? What are the different categories of coffee? What is the crema? Do you know how long a shot is good for before it is no longer compatible with steamed milk?  What makes a coffee taste like flowers or lemons?  What does “macchiato” mean, and did you know that Starbucks invented that drink (not a cafe Italy)? If you knew the answers to these questions, then I will hear your complaint out. But having lived in Seattle, the coffee capital of the world, and having worked at at *$ and another coffee company, I have found that Starbucks really does provide high quality coffee, which is why its so freaking expensive.  In fact, the company buys only the highest quality bean, arabica, and they also store their coffee properly.  They even use triple filtered water when making americanos and such. I am not saying the company practices good policies (such as charging 8 dollars for a cup of coffee while paying their laborers ten cents an hour or whatever) but they actually do have decent coffee, so I will always less-than-three Starbucks. Plus when I lived in London, and also living in Japan, there is something comforting about going into a Starbucks because it just feels like Seattle. Also when I worked there we cleaned the machines every night, something that did not happen enough at the other espresso stand that I worked at.  

10. The sound a typewriter makes and how it feels when I press the keys.  I used to work at a bank, and we sometimes had to write addresses on envelopes with this old school typewriter and I would always volunteer because it was so aesthetically pleasing to me.

11. The Acutal Story of the Little Mermaid. So I bet you knew there was a real little mermaid story before the disney version came out, AND you probably knew that it was a tragedy..but did you know it really wasn’t a tragedy? Yes, I realize this statement is contradictory, let me continue… In the book by HCA, near the end, the Prince starts digging another chick and marries her, after playing with the emotions of the LMermaid who gave up her everything to be with this guy.  Anyway, the LM’s sisters cut their hair and trade it to the seawitch in exchange for a dagger.  The LM gets the dagger from her sisters who tell her to go and shank her love and his new bride while they are sleeping in bed, if she does this, she can become a mermaid again and live.  The LM takes the dagger goes up to the room and takes the knife out and decides she can’t kill the Prince, because she loves him so much.  So, she runs out to the dock where the sun’s rays begin to hit her.  Contrary to turning into foam of the sea, as the witch had promised, she was looked upon with favor by the Invisible Powers that Be, and gets chosen to receive an immortal soul. 

I think this story is awesome because instead of pandering to unrealistic hopes of being loved by someone who clearly doesn’t love you as much as you love them, the main character is rewarded with something even more great, the chance to be a person of good character and the opportunity to live forever because of this.  (It is also a much better moral than rebelling against your dad at 16 years old and becoming a teenage bride after having spent three days with a person with no conversations whatsoever and going on one date. Don’t get me wrong though TLM is my fav. Disney movie.)

12. When you are driving or walking somewhere listening to your ipod and a song comes on randomly that speaks to you or is like describing your present emotions and situations, emo or not.  I love when this happens.

13. I love when people pray over me personally. EDIFICATION= awesomeness.

14. When I get fresh squeezed orange juice either because someone made it for me or I ordered it at a restaurant.

15. When there is enough steam on the car windows to draw funny pictures on and annoy my mother. (this by the way, is not as satisfying when my mom is not present)

16. When people buy me flowers.  Okay so this has only happened to me a few times, and usually happens on my bday, and it has always been done by girls like my mom or friends, BUT I love getting flowers from people, it is such a nice feeling.

17. When I am out dancing salsa and a good song comes on.

18. Doodling in any meeting, class, or at church (though listening of course at the same time).  

19. When a butterfly crosses my path.

20. When something unexpectedly funny happens. (like when we were on the ferry and Tall Twin told a joke and Wants-t0-be-a-Redhead laughed so hard ramen flew out of her mouth, which was actually kind of gross…but still awesomely hilarious.)

21. The feeling of leaving work.

22. When I am standing around in a group of people and people (esp. boys) are taller than me.

23. When I am standing at a venue looking at the stage and everyone is shorter than me.

24. When I get to see in person and hug and hold my family.

25.  When Japanese people speak English and it comes out cute and random simultaneously. (Like the phone call I got from Precious-Takko-Princess yesterday “Mosh mosh, haro! BlueForest-chan! I rabu you!!! Why don’t we go to sushi tonight?”)

26. When people give me books as presents. (my FAVORITE!)

This weekend was a little crazy, I went with a bunch of people who live in the Blue Forest to Sapporro, Hokkaido this weekend for the Snow Festival.   I think its too much to type what happened. I am just going to bulletpoint everything.

Day 1

-Carpooled with Asian Lt. Dan to ramen. Picked up The Tall Twins and Always-Singing-Guy.
-Everyone, 8 JETs and 2 Nihonjins, made it to the ferry right on time. 
-Got on ferry, ran into Ms. Young-Looking-Mom and Mini-Me.
-BlueForest-sensei heeded Mr. Shinsetsunahito’s advice, “Don’t be a JET. Get lots of sleep.” Mission Accomplished.

Day 2

-Woke up to beautiful Northern Japan sunrise. Watched it rise alone, outside on the deck while everyone else was asleep.
-Arrived in Hokkaido bushy-tailed and bleary eyed.
-Took the bus to Sapporo station, played Scrabble on the way, and described people’s attributes with poetry.
-Waited at the station for one more person, who didn’t show. Bought scarf. 
-Ate an amazing breakfast with everyone, pancakes and Japanese food, a strange but satisfying mixture.
-Checked into hotel, took a shower.
-Met everyone at the Clock Tower. Walked to view the Ice Sculptures! Favorites included: the Japanese Palace and Taj Mahal replica.
-Stopped at Starbucks with The Twins, and Wants-to-be-a-Redhead girl.
-Watch Tall Girl Twin put on her Alcohol Jacket (this basically consisted of her pouring alcohol into a starbucks cup).
-Go back outside to watch the rest of the festival. Toes became frozen, not a happy Princess. 😦 In fact I really want to cry I am so cold.
-Bought kairo, put in shoes…still cold, but slightly better.
-Went back to Hotel to rest with Wants-to-be-a-Redhead-Girl and Princess #2.
-Went to Sapporo Beer Garden Restaurant with everyone.
-Lost Boy showed up at the Garden, he had been in Hokkaido all day, but had been lost, but was able made it to the restaurant.
-Chaos ensued. I am pretty sure some things were broken, and random Japanese guy with one colored contact in his eye, kept coming up to our table trying to hit on the Tall Girl Twin.
-Knitting-Nihonjin girl asks me to be her boyfriend. I have to decline bc. I am homo janai (straight). Although I ask if she will knit me a hat.
-After dinner, Blue Forest Princess is now the only sober person.
-Manage to get everyone’s food paid. Knitting Nihonjin girl tries to pay for her meal twice.
-With Princess #2’s help I manage to get everyone into a Taxi, many people fall on their way there. Lost Boy doesn’t look so good.
-In the car, pass the other taxi, see Lost Boy puking.
-Everyone’s cabs arrive at the karaoke area. Knitting-Nihojin-Girl falls on the snow as she exits the taxi.
-Take Lost Boy and Knitting-Nihonjin-Girl in a taxi to their respective hotels with Precious-Takko-Town-Princess.
-Get Knitting-Nihonjin-Girl up to her room where Wants-to-be-a-Redhead and Korean-Princess are already waiting. Watch as Knitting Nihonjin Girl throws up on the door.
-Leave the room for a bit before Blue Forest sensei throws up.
-Leave the Hotel with Precious Takko-Town-Princess, Korean-Princess, and Lost Boy.
-Drop Lost Boy off.
-Look for Big Echo Karaoke. Find it, but don’t find our party.
-Find the other Big Echo Karaoke, which is across the street and has the same name.
-Go back to hotel Princess #2 is already sleeping.

Day 3

-Wake up at 5am, miraculously everyone makes it to the station, Lt. Dan, Precious-Takko-Princess, Korean-Princess and Lost Boy come racing up the stairs giri giri, just in time.
-On the train I start to feel a little queasy from all the traveling and not enough rest.
-Take an hour nap. Feel better.
-Back on Ferry time. Play Psychiatrist and Contact games with other queasy people. Korean-Princess almost throws up.
-Help Korean-Princess back to her room.
-Arrive in Aomori.
-Spend an hour looking for a sushi restaurant.  At dinner Knitting Nihonjin asks me to be her boyfriend again. I politely decline once more.  
-Lt. Dan drives us home. Get marriage proposal from Tall Twin in the car.  I am so tired. I don’t even feel like watching Wentworth on Prison Break when I get home.
-Pass Out.
-Wake up an feel queasy. 
-Feeling passes.
-Go back to sleep.

I have discovered why I am single. HOW is it that I have discovered this? Well let me tell you.

Because someone told me why over gchat. Well, that and a few other reasons which I already knew about. 

I actually think I already knew this the whole time deep down. But before I tell you why, let me preface this with a quick story.

Once when in college, I was in a lounge area talking with a group of random peeps and this girl who we will call Juicy-Couture-Sassy-Pants was going on and on about her boyfriend issues; and other people were jumping in talking about their own relationships. Feeling left out of the conversation, but wanting to join, I remarked that I had never had a boyfriend, to which she replied, “What is wrong with you?”

I don’t exactly remember how I responded to this, but I do remember feeling that wasn’t the nicest remark to tell someone.

Anyway, now I have an answer to that question.

Over the years, I am now in my late 20’s, and still have never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or anything actually. Yes, my friends, you are beholding a (dramatic pause)….a Unicorn!
Take a good look my friends, because we don’t often come around.  Now you might think in your mind, okay this Blue Forest Princess chick has to have like a horn growing out of her eye or something, or have an extra toe, or something equally horrendous. Here is a picture of me: you can decide whatever you want to about how I look, but if it is mean keep it to yourself. On good days. I also drew myself a Self-poortrait. (Also, I can’t be totally undesirable, in fact I have gotten two awkward Japanese guys to ask me out, one Japanese girl to ask to be my boyfriend twice, and a marriage proposal from a JET all in one weekend, I mean come on, seriously, that is talent, people.)

REASON #1: I am Scary…(apparently).
ANYWAYs, here is how I discovered my the first reason, it actually came from a chat (with edits of course) I had with my friend Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy.

 Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: fyi i love your stories of your dates 🙂

Me: Haha, they were pretty bad…All 1.5 of them. Boys are afraid of me.

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: yeah thats why i didnt ask you out before

Me: yeah, Glamourous-Vietnamese-Chick (mutual friend of ours) told me once that I was really intimidating.

*(Although once she punched a hole in the wall when we were at a Board Game Tournament because her team lost once, which I thought was actually scary for real-and even she has a boyfriend.)

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: I would say it’s because your personality is strong…which is a good thing

Me: hmmm…sometimes I say things that make people feel uncomfortable…so in what way is my personality strong?

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: i’m not sure if you want me to answer that. because my perspective is really different than others in Our Circle

Me: lay it on me its fine…I need to hear this constructive criticism so I can be self-aware

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: for me personally I like really strong women that can voice their opinion and let ppl know whats up

 Me: So basically you are saying that I freaked all those boys in Our Circle out (shocker…not) bc. of my out spokenness? well, I dont think I am going to change that part of myself…lol

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: yeah because like i said they are Our Circle guys and for the most part they all like the same type of girls…they all like Miss Sweetheart-Shiny-Hair-Princess-Pants or Miss Norwegian Princess girl

Me: hahaha…yes, I can totally see that…I am not the typical Our Circle girl…I have always marched to the tune of my own drum

Thinks-He-Is-Gorgeous-Korean-Guy: which is good and that scares alot of the Our Circle guys because if the girl doesn’t fit into the Our Circle mold, they run.

End.

Anyhow, I found this conversation fascinating, at 5’6 and not a heavy girl, I have never really thought of myself as intimidating, but I can kind of see what he is saying about my personality. I am not exactly docile, but I don’t think I am  mean either. I don’t fight and I really dislike arguments of any kind. I mean I didn’t even react to that girl who asked what was wrong with me that I didn’t have a boyfriend.

But there are times when I will say how I think things are, and I guess that scares boys.  I blame my parents, my mom and dad are very upfront and overt with each other.

 Maybe I need do to tone myself down a bit in this area and be NICER.

My friend Puerto-Rican twin and I had a conversation on gchat when I told her what Korean-Guy said:

Puerto-Rican-Twin: That is harsh a bit.  How did you scare guys away?

me: its okay I asked him to tell me actually I think because I am not a docile woman I kind of say what is on my mind and I think some of the boys were intimidated I’m not like a “cutesy” Norewegian girl..I am also not Asian enough to attract boys with yellow fever

Puerto-Rican-Twin: hahaha Its funny that that is what they want in a woman

me: I guess so…which is why I am still single…in fact all my old crushes ended up with a cutesy Norwegian/European girl or a hot asian chick

Puerto-Rican-Twin: Well they are missing out. Who does not want to have a gf who completely doesnt realize she got a big hole in her pants under her butt cheek?
To be honest though, there are two (3) really good reasons for why I am momentarily Forever ARONE.

Reason# 2: The Wanderlust Issue

Is because of my penchant for the adventurous.  Okay, I totally have an ADDICTION.  I am addicted to traveling.  And not just traveling, but like living in other countries.  I wonder if they have TA (Travelers Anonymous)…because I think I may have to check myself to rehab…I want to go everywhere and see everything.  If they had a shuttle to MARS, I would totally go on it (btw, I looked this up and they actually do have shuttles to outer space, but you have to be like a bagillionaire so 😦 no go for Blue Forest Princess).  Living in Seattle, Honolulu, London, Japan, within the past 5 years has made me kind of unavailable.  However, I do not regret moving or traveling to any country I have ever been to at any time in my life. Totes worth it.

The REAL reason and Reason#3: Jesus.

Okay, so while I joke most of the time about being forever arone, I really do think the real reason I am single has to do with God’s sovereignty and the basically the fact that I am in love with Jesus. 

AND BTWs, what is not to love about Jesus? I mean, He is basically Love Incarnate. How could someone not be wooed by Jesus who has “loved you with an everlasting love?” Jeremiah 31:3 and verses like “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.  Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Romans 8 :31-35

I mean seriously, that is hot…like God wants to give us everything we want and at the same time save us from destruction, and he doesn’t condemn us for anything?….(MAN I love me some Jesus, how can anyone NOT want You Lord, You are so fine. In a righteous and holy way of course. 😀 )

ANYWAY, Because I’m not like a cutesy Norwegian or petite kind hearted Asian girl, boys at church don’t usually come running as was hightlighted by my chat with Korean-Guy-Who-thinks-He-is-Gorgeous.  The guys who do usually hit on me, don’t love Jesus, but to them I am off limits.

Anyhow, I know for sure that God had something else in store for me.  And I want it. And by “it” not about like marrying someone amazing necessarily, I  mean “it”, the type of life I want to lead. I want that more than I want to date someone or get married, and that has been my choice.  And while I do get down on myself sometimes for being single, (tempted to ask the question:what is wrong with me?) I remember that I am not in charge of my own life, and I continue to trust that God has a plan for me.  

In the meantime I will be singing this tune by Brooke Fraser.

(Bonus Reason #4: Ricky.

I should have mentioned, my fourth reason is because of my imaginary boyfriend:

English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: can u send me his picture?

me: okay hold on…I have to find a good pic of us.

1:32 PM English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: lol

1:33 PM me: sorry i couldnt find a good one of me and him together,  but here is a picture of him
  http://www.kabobfest.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/magician.jpg

1:34 PM English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: lol he looks waaaaaaaaaay older than in his 20s!

 me: this is him as a kid
 English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: but hey! likes magic!

 me: if you wanna see him looking younger http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_MSKV0Fhnksw/SwpBHRBmPBI/AAAAAAAABec/Mk1ITapqsEg/s1600/Magician%2BAkash%2BS.M.jpg

 He used to be indian

English-Teacher-Guy-Who-Also-Has-Nothing-To-Do-At-Work: Bwahahahaha

I mean, R. Ricardo and I just have too much fun together. I don’t really know if I could give that up.)